


mind games

by melletsbix



Category: Tracob - Fandom, jacob bixenman - Fandom, troye sivan - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Alters, Angst, Childhood Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Molestation, Psychotherapy, Trauma, YouTube, connor's kinda a dick, could really trigger some people, did, disorder, mental health, multiplicity, troye sivan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-26 15:34:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12061920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melletsbix/pseuds/melletsbix
Summary: Dissociative Identity Disorder can be scary, but not if you have people around you that are as supportive as they can be.Luckily, Troye has those people.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to this fic, warnings for sexual assault flashbacks, child abuse flashbacks, child molestation flashbacks.
> 
> here's a quick rundown of what dissociative identity disorder is before you read:
> 
> you may know it as multiple personality disorder; DID is just the proper name for it. a dissociative disorder can best be described as extreme daydreaming. we all dissociate to some extent, whether it's daydreaming, time seeming to go by faster, etc, but a dissociative disorder involves disruptions or breakdowns of memory, awareness, identity, or perception.
> 
> dissociative identity disorder in specific entails someone being 'split' into two or more distinct fragments/states. these fragments aren't always shown outwardly, some may only show on the inside through voices in the patient's head, and some may show outwardly by talking and moving through the patient's body, like troye's fragments do in this fanfiction.
> 
> DID develops under the age of 10, as the child grows up and learns their coping mechanisms. it will normally develop in times of extreme trauma that the child can't cope with, but sometimes it's happened to a perfectly taken care of child. it's not normally recognised or diagnosed until later in the person's life.
> 
> some common DID words:
> 
> system - all of the alters in a person as a collective.
> 
> host - the one in control most of the time. (they are usually also the original).
> 
> original - the original person who developed DID.
> 
> alter - one of the 'fragments' or 'parts' of a system. they each have a distinct identity, and a purpose for being created. there are protectors, who are there to protect the system, usually either through aggression or internally taking care of other alters. there are managers, who tend to have an extensive understanding of each alter and how to help them. little ones, who hold the innocence of the host. emotionals, who hold traumatic memories so the host doesn't have to deal with all the memories themself. persecuter alters, which are self destructive to the system and can sometimes be an embodiment of the beliefs/personality of the patient's abuser.
> 
> front - a term to describe when an alter is taking control of the body
> 
> okay, that's all i think. enjoy, and don't forget this is a real disorder that happens to real people. please be respectful, and if you think i've written anything inaccurately just comment and i'll look into it. i've done so much research for this fanfiction, so... yeah.
> 
> enjoy!

Troye had been in foster care for as long as he could remember. Everyone told him he'd been in the system since he was ten (so for six years) because something terrible happened to him, but... He didn't remember any of this so called 'terrible' period of his life, so it probably wasn't as terrible as they made it out to be.

And him 'forgetting' his 'trauma' made therapy annoying. Extremely annoying.

("Are you feeling comfortable enough to talk about your mother today?" Dr Lopest would ask, and Troye would reply, "What's there to talk about?" only to get a sigh in response.)

Sometimes it was alright, though. He had someone to talk to if anything bad happened at school, someone who wouldn't judge (even if she would analyse most things he'd say way too deeply), and who was a professional at... Advice? Listening? Whatever therapists do.

Jenna (his foster mother) had sent him to therapy because she was worried. She thought he was in denial of what had happened to him, so a therapist could help with that. But after a year of therapy there were still no changes.

Until the blackouts started. Well, them and other symptoms.

Hari kept referring to conversations he didn't remember happening (once even claiming that Troye had perfectly impersonated a Californian accent), and sometimes he would start daydreaming in class and the next moment he would be laying in bed to go to sleep. It was strange, but he figured it was just... He didn't have the best sleep schedule, so it was probably just him forgetting things because he was tired.

But it got worse. And he got scared.

Eventually the blackouts were so bad that between the times he was aware and... Whatever he was when he blacked out had gotten bigger. He had to check the dates now. Once, it had been half a week.

He had no memory of that half-week. He just.. Woke up and was drawing at his desk.

'Waking up' was always scary, too. He would feel so groggy and his head would hurt and nothing would make sense. He always seemed to wake up alone, thankfully, so no one had seen the panic of it.

This time it had been okay. As far as he knew, only a few hours had passed since dinner. The date was the same as when he last remembered, so all he had to do was go to sleep.

He'd be fine if he just got some more sleep.

It took longer than usual to fall asleep because of the lasting panic in his veins—what had he done in those few hours of black out—but he eventually managed it.

He welcomed the peaceful darkness of sleep.

_"We're so sorry, Troye!" He looked around and found himself stood outside an apartment building._

_He looked around, wide eyed and confused, only to find that there was nothing but_ _white around_ _this apartment building._

_"We didn't mean to!" The same voice from before said, panicked._

_Troye looked in the direction of it to see a girl his age, with curly hair falling to her shoulders, stood in the doorway of the building._

_"I– What?" He questioned, taking a step forward._

_"We just wanted to have some control, but– but Kody got carried away because you weren't doing your homework and–" The girl continued, guilt clear on her face as Troye only got more and more confused._

_"What the fuck are you going on about?"_

_"Come with me." The girl said simply, and walked off, toward some stairs._

_Troye huffed, but did as he was asked, and followed the girl up to the top of the building._

_She unlocked and pushed open a door, and Troye was confused to see a lounge area, but with five individual seats. Most were occupied, but one was not._

_There was a childrens' armchair made to look like a teddy bear seating a very young boy with straight blonde hair and blue eyes. He was cuddling close a stuffed dinosaur toy._

_There was a mature-looking brown leather recliner, seating a man that looked like an older version of the young boy, only with brown eyes._

_There was a dirty white chair, seating a girl that looked only a bit older than Troye. She had messy wavy brown hair, and hugged a fluffy white blanket close to her._

_There was an empty red fluffy loveseat, and the girl who'd led him there plopped herself down on that comfortably._

_And finally there was an armchair reminiscent of the one in Troye's foster home's lounge. It was the one Troye always liked to sit on, because it was literally the fluffiest, comfiest thing he'd ever sat on._

_"Come sit. That's your chair." The girl explained._

_Troye blinked at her for a second, and then did as she said, curling up like he always did._

_"I doubt miss apology over here has explained things well." The blonde man said with a chuckle, pointing a jokily accusing finger at the original girl, who blushed and nodded._

_Troye was a little startled at his American accent, but more so confused by everything else._

_"I'm Kody. Welcome to my apartment–" The man continued, but got cut off by the little boy._

_"'s my home too!"_

_The boy looked wide eyed as soon as he'd exclaimed that. He looked around a couple of times as though he'd get into trouble for talking, and hid his face in his dinosaur toy._

_"Yes, love. Your home too." Kody smiled, and reached over to ruffle the boy's hair gently._

_"Um, I'm really confused." Troye deadpanned, and Kody nodded seriously._

_"That's natural. We haven't been around since you were.. Ten? Was that it?" Kody glanced toward the girl with the white blanket, and she nodded shyly._

_Troye frowned at them, and Kody cleared his throat before he continued._

_"We just wanted to apologise. We got a bit carried away with helping you out. We were a bit fed up of laying back and thought it would be nice to come back and help, especially with all the stress of school and such–"_

_"This is just confusing me more and more." Troye admitted, cutting Kody off._

_"I apologise. I didn't mean to– I just wanted you to feel more comfortable. The black outs are nothing to worry about. It's just us helping you out."_

_Everyone in the room nodded, but Troye frowned deeply._

_"What do you mean 'helping me out'?"_

_Kody opened his mouth to speak, but at that moment Everything froze and went silent, only to be replaced by an incessant beep._

Troye shot up in his bed to the 8AM alarm, and looked around in confusion.

Dylan, his foster brother, was sat up groggily in his bed, looking at Troye with the same blank but slightly annoyed expression as always.

"'nother nightmare?" He checked, and Troye shook his head.

"Just a weird dream."

"Right," Dylan drew out the word as if he didn't believe him, and then nodded his head toward the door, "you should probably get ready for therapy."

Troye frowned for a second, before he remembered it was Saturday.

Right. Therapy.

Maybe Dr Lopest would know what the weird dream meant. She liked to analyse things, after all.

Troye was right. She had a lot to say about his dream.

It kind of worried Troye, the amount of concern on her face as he mentioned what they'd said about the black outs.

"Black outs? You've been blacking out?" Dr Lopest asked, and Troye nodded slowly.

He may have forgotten to tell her that tiny tiny detail in his last few sessions.

"Uh, yeah? It's just 'cause I've been sleeping weird, I think." He shrugged, but Dr Lopest shook her head and furrowed her brows.

"I don't think that's why, Troye." She muttered, writing something down in her notes.

For a therapist, she really didn't take as many notes as Troye expected, but that was probably because he never really talked about anything substantial. He kind of counted her writing something down as a good thing. He was finally saying things she wanted him to say.

"Then why else would I be blacking out?"

"Well, the.. the trauma you went through before you were in foster care–"

"The trauma you think happened. I've said it so many times, I don't remember  _anything_!" He exclaimed, almost surprising himself at the slight anger in his voice. It just got frustrating to be asked the same question week after week.

"Troye, dear. You not remembering it could be something else. I'd like to speak with your foster mother for a little bit, if that's alright."

Troye frowned at her abrupt end of their session.

"We still have fifteen minutes left."

"Well, is there anything else about the dream you'd like to say?" Dr Lopest asked, still keeping that ever-lasting patience she seemed to have about her.

Troye shrugged, then shook his head and got up from his seat.

"I'll go get her." He sighed, walking to the door and grabbing the handle.

"Oh, the, um, the American guy was called Kody." He told her, and her eyes almost lit up as she jotted that down.

He went to turn the handle, but Dr Lopest asked one last question before he went.

"Did any of the others tell you their names?"

Troye shook his head, and left to retrieve Jenna.

\- - - - - - - -

"Is everything okay? Why'd you need to see me?" Jenna asked, worry clear in her features as she sat down opposite Dr Lopest, who was observing her notes.

"Has Troye been acting strangely lately?" The Doctor got straight to her point, but was met with a confused frown.

"What?"

"He mentioned blacking out and waking up not where he last remembered. He's been having dreams with these people in telling him they're ' _sorry for helping him out too much_ ' and I was just curious."

Jenna leant forward at the news.

"He... Blackouts?"

Dr Lopest nodded, and watched as Jenna seemed to think back to the past few weeks, months, even.

"Well, sometimes he is a bit strange, I suppose." She admitted, leaning back again as she thought harder.

"How so?"

"Well– Last week we were out shopping for Hari's birthday and he ended up convincing me to buy him a dinosaur toy. He's never taken interest in comfort items before, but I figured maybe it was just that?" Jenna paused, watching as Dr Lopest wrote down some more notes.

"He– Then this week he came to me all confused because he didn't remember buying it."

"Alright. I would like to do some more assessments on his behaviour, if that's alright." Dr Lopest said with a soft smile, and Jenna frowned more deeply.

"Why?"

"I just would like to check for any dissociative disorder. It's uncommon, but childhood trauma victims develop it, and it would explain everything going on with him."

"A.. A dissociative disorder?"

"Yes, it's like.. You dissociate when you day dream or when you get so into a show or a book or something that time flies by really fast. He just dissociates more extremely– that is, if he has a disorder anyway. It's not a fatal disorder, just.. Just different. And rather extreme. I suspect if he has one it will be dissociative identity disorder, but we can't be sure of anything."

"Um, okay. When do you want to..?"

"In two days, if that's alright. I have an opening at 1PM. Only if you can– I understand he'll be at school, but I think it's important we figure this out as soon as we can."

Jenna nodded uncertainly, and moved to get up when nothing else was said.

"Oh, and please don't mention it to him until the assessments. It would cause unnecessary worry. But feel free to research the disorder yourself, in case he does have it." Dr Lopest suggested, and finished some notes in her book.

Jenna nodded once more, and walked toward the door.

"See you Monday, Doc."

"See you then, Jenna."

\- - - - - - - -

After several assessments, and Dr Lopest conferring with other professionals that also specialised in this area of psychotherapy, it was confirmed that Troye did in fact have dissociative identity disorder.

Troye was confused at first when Dr Lopest told him, and then incredibly afraid.

She told him it was the real name for multiple personality disorder (which it used to be called), and he panicked there and then. He wasn't crazy. Only crazy people had other personalities.

No way could there be other people in his head. It was just him.

It was his body, and only his.

But it did explain everything.

Dr Lopest calmed him down at the session where she and another specialist officially diagnosed him, and explained that the dream he had had were his alters coming forward.

She also told him they were most probably holding the trauma he experienced, but he just couldn't believe it. It was such a strange concept to wrap his mind around.

After a few sessions of talking and researching with Dr Lopest, though, he was calmer about it.

He wasn't a monster. The disorder wasn't like how Hollywood portrayed it in the horror films.

And a few sessions after he came to terms with his disorder and spoke to Dr Lopest about other dreams he had had, she wanted to try communicating with his alters.

"A– Are you sure I can do that?" Troye stuttered out, and Dr Lopest nodded calmly.

"Communicating will help you become co-conscious with them. That means you'll still be mentally there when one of them takes over. No more black outs."

"No more black outs?" Troye asked hopefully, finding that to be the most appealing part of what she'd said.

"No more black outs." Dr Lopest promised, "well, mostly, anyway."

Troye nodded, and took a deep breath. He watched as Dr Lopest retrieved a box from a cupboard, and took it out to show two wires, each with a plastic ball attached to the end. One was black, and one was grey.

"I'm going to ask you to hold these while we try this. They vibrate, and help stimulate both sides of your brain at the same time. They help to get hidden or lost memories– in this case they'll help communicate with your alters."

Troye bit his lip, nodded, and took one ball in each hand.

"This will work?" He asked in a small voice, and Dr Lopest gave him a reassuring smile.

"Hopefully. We'll only know if we try."

She switched on the vibrations, and Troye jolted slightly at the suddenness.

"You can have your eyes open or closed, whichever is more comfortable. All I want you to do is try to look inside. In your mind invite anyone who wants to come forward to show themselves, and just listen."

She waited quietly as Troye closed his eyes and did as asked. It felt strange and awkward to have Dr Lopest watching him, but he tried to ignore that and focus on 'looking inside'.

"Just tell me when you're ready to stop, and tell me what happens." Dr Lopest said, but she sounded further away as Troye tried to concentrate as hard as he could.

Slowly, he found himself back at the apartment building. He was in the lobby this time, and somehow walked up the stairs to the right room by memory. He knocked, and the door opened to reveal the people he'd seen in some dreams.

He still only knew the name of Kody, and this time, everyone looked a bit different. More clear.

And they didn't seem to want to talk to him.

Kody was comforting the little boy, who looked on the verge of tears. The original girl and the girl with the blanket were curled up together on the loveseat, the one with the blanket still holding a terrified, shy edge to her.

And he noticed the place felt warm.

He looked around, and saw a modern fireplace on one wall, lit nicely and warming up the white walled room.

"Okay." He said softly, and then cleared his throat. The vibrations in his hands stopped, and he blinked a few times as he looked to Dr Lopest and told her what and who he saw.

"The room being warm is good. It means the room is good. Comfortable, I presume?"

"Yeah. Everyone has their own chair. My one in my actual lounge is in that apartment." He hummed, and then thought of a question, "Two of them looked really sad and scared. One girl had, like, she was all messy?"

Dr Lopest frowned and thought for a second.

"That tells me those two are gonna need a little more attention than the others. That's okay though. No one scary or bad there?" She checked, and Troye shook his head.

"That's very good. Some people have alters that are less than kind to them. Some may pop up later, though."

"What do you mean?"

"The alters you have now are not necessarily your only alters."

\- - - - - - - -

Hari and Dylan were confused about the whole DID thing, but didn't question anything. Everything seemed to be normal, so it would stay that way, right?

Wrong.

Ever since Troye started to.. to focus on the inside in his sessions with Dr Lopest, he'd been getting thoughts every now and then from the others. But, so far, he had never properly had one of them front since his black outs before he got diagnosed.

But he still didn't feel in control of things.

 _That's because you're not yet._  an American accent chimed into Troye's train of thought, and he just frowned.

He didn't know the names of the other alters still, but that voice—Kody—was the one that pushed and invaded in on his thoughts the most.

"Th– Thanks for making mac and cheese, Jenna." He said to his foster mother, forcing himself to tune back in to where he really was.

He was sat at the dining table with Hari, Dylan and Jenna, and he was fine. He was absolutely fine. He was in control. He was himself.

Jenna gave him a warm smile, looking pleased with herself.

"No worries, Tok. Just thought since therapy's going so good you deserved a treat."

Dylan snorted from across the table, resulting in Hari elbowing his side.

"You call this a treat?" He asked, and Troye managed a giggle.

"Well, this is only a bit," Jenna paused, watching the teenagers grow more interested, "I bought some ice cream for dessert."

 _Ice cream?_  A younger voice chimed in Troye's head, and he frowned to himself.

But then he felt something pushing at the back of his head. It was gentle at first, but the pressure was building. Fast.

Hari basically squealed in excitement.

"Is it cookie dough though?" She questioned, face suddenly very serious.

"I have cookie dough for you and Tro and then vanilla for Dylan." Jenna smiled.

The pressure in Troye's head got harder, and he finally realised what was about to happen when he felt himself get a bit lightheaded.

This was how it got before the black outs, but he wasn't blacking out. It was also what Dr Lopest had said 'switching' would feel like

Was he going to switch? What was going on?

He felt his eyes roll back a bit and his head drop, and he suddenly wasn't there anymore. He waited to fully disconnect from his surroundings, but he didn't.

He wasn't in control of his body, he was just... spectating.

He heard a gasp from Hari, and then a hand was on his shoulder for a moment.

"Tro?"

He couldn't move anything, but his head was picked up by whoever was in control of it soon enough.

His eyes opened, wider than usual, and his blue eyes seemed brighter as he swung his feet back and forth.

"...Troye?" Hari asked, fear in her eyes. She hadn't seen him switch before.

"Nope!" The Australian giggled, his voice holding a childlike lisp to it as he added, "Troye goned in for now!"

Hari's looked helplessly at Dylan, who was simply staring at the innocent boy, but Jenna spoke up.

"Is he going to come back anytime soon?" She questioned, and the boy nodded his head a couple times.

"I want the ice cream!" He said to those at the table, who were still quiet and unknowing of what to do.

"Can you tell me your name before I give you any?" Jenna continued, and the boy huffed.

He brought his hands up to poke at the mac and cheese before speaking.

"I'm Ethan! I'm five and I like dinosaurs."

"Right." Dylan nodded, biting his lip.

"Can Troye come back?" Hari asked, still looking incredibly spooked.

"But I want ice cream." The little one huffed, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You can have some ice cream, sweetheart. I'll just go get it." Jenna said in a soft tone, resulting in a wide grin from the boy.

"Yay! Thank you Miss Jenna!" Ethan squealed, not caring for the odd looks Hari kept giving him.

It was just so strange to see her foster brother, that she'd known for five years, not being himself. He never swung his feet like this, his eyes were never this wide, and he never walked his fingers across the table to amuse himself. It was weird.

"Why can't Troye come back?" Dylan asked, more straightforward than Hari.

"He's here, but I want ice cream. Daddy let me come out for ice cream!" He said the last sentence very animatedly, and giggled afterward.

"Daddy  _never_ lets me come out! Be– because I'm not so good at pretending to be Troye! Daddy is very good at it though."

 _Is your daddy Kody?_ Troye asked, and Ethan nodded, confusing the teenagers sat across from him.

"Mhm! Daddy is the bestest." He said to Troye, who kind of wanted to giggle at how strange this was.

He was just watching. Plus, Hari and Dylan's faces were priceless.

"Who are you talking to?" Hari asked quietly, just as Jenna returned from the kitchen with three bowls and two tubs of ice cream.

"To Troye! He right here." Ethan tapped his head, and let his eyes light up when the bowl was placed in front of him along with a spoon.

He got confused when no one scooped him out any, though, and watched with puppy dog eyes as Hari and Dylan got themselves some.

"C– Can you get me some?" Ethan asked nervously, and Hari gave him a strange look for a second before nodding, and scooping out two loads of cookie dough ice cream.

Ethan clapped his hands giddily, and immediately grabbed the spoon and ate it up messily.

This bit was more amusing than it was scary and strange for Hari and Dylan.

It was funny to watch their sixteen year old foster brother act as though he were five and get food all over his face.

"Oh, Ethan, you've made quite the mess." Jenna chuckled, and so Ethan experimentally tapped his cheeks, and giggled when he felt the sweet sticky ice cream there.

 _Don't you dare do something gross, just let Jenna wipe it off._  Troye murmured, and Ethan nodded.

"You clean it?" Ethan requested, tapping his sticky face a few times more before Jenna started to wipe it off gently. Where she got the wipe from he had no clue, but he liked feeling this cared for.

"Thank you for ice cream!" He said politely, looking down at his hands.

"That's quite alright, little man." Jenna smiled.

Hari and Dylan didn't know why she was humouring Troye like this. Were they supposed to treat him like the five year old his mind was tricking him into being? They didn't get it.

"I go back now." He stated, and the two teenagers in the room nodded eagerly. They wanted Troye back.

"And Troye will come back?" Jenna checked, receiving a sure nod and a smile.

Before they could say any more, Troye's head dropped again, his face going lax for a few moments.

It took longer than before, but after about five seconds he blinked a few times at his family, groggy.

"Hi?" He mumbled, lifting a hand to his head.

Man, switching sucked. His head hurt.

"Welcome back, Tro." Jenna said warmly, kissing his head.

"Did you black out?" Dylan asked curiously, and Troye shook his head.

"I think.. I think I was co-conscious."

He received two confused looks from Hari and Dylan, and a delighted one from Jenna.

"You two really need to do some research on this."

 


	2. Chapter 2

"Okay, we're going to try and talk to an alter today, okay? You said the notebook communication has been working?" Dr Lopest shot two questions at Troye, who just nodded quietly.

"Yes. The, um, the little boy, Ethan, and the thin girl are still quite shy and quiet. Kody and Jaz are– are loud, though. Very loud." He told her, and she let a little chuckle out.

"Are they being loud now?"

Troye nodded.

"Would either of them, or another alter, like to speak with me?"

Troye paused. Jaz did, but he wasn't sure if he wanted her to front. This would be the first time Dr Lopest was, face to face, meeting one of his alters, and that scared him for some reason.

_Don't be scared._  The voice of Jaz chimed in, feeling like she was right behind him. He knew she was close, dying to come out and talk to someone other than the system.

"Yes." Troye mumbled, beginning to feel the pressure in his head that signalled an oncoming switch.

He was used to it after a month, so he just kept breathing through it as the pressure lifted and he let Jaz take the metaphorical wheel of the car that was his body.

"Okayy. Hello Therapist lady." She giggled at Dr Lopest's slightly taken aback expression at her loud voice that was just a bit higher than Troye's.

"I'm guessing this isn't Troye I'm speaking to." Dr Lopest stated, and Jaz nodded exaggeratedly.

"We have a genius over here, huh?"

Dr Lopest noted something down, and Troye kind of already knew what that short note would be; very defensive and sarcastic.

"You're Jaz, right?" Dr Lopest checked, and Jaz nodded, looking down to check Troye's nails. Wow, she really needed to take care of those for him. They'd look nice coated in bright pink nail polish...

_No, maybe pastel pink though._ Troye chimed in, and Jaz looked up to see Dr Lopest looking slightly impatient.

"Jaz? Please try to stay focused, this is important for Troye's health."

That got her listening. The cocky, overconfident look faded a bit as she sat up straighter to listen.

"I was wondering what you know about the other girl in the system."

"Why?" She was defensive again, and Dr Lopest seemed to jot that down too. As soon as she'd mentioned the shyer alter her posture straightened and her eyes narrowed. Her fists even clenched slightly, like she was ready to argue or fight if she needed.

"She has communicated the least with Troye, which is making him anxious and less in control– I'm sure you're aware of this..?"

"..Yes. I am. I don't want to force her to talk. She's been through a lot for Troye– for us. I don't know how much more she can take.." Jaz explained vaguely, and Dr Lopest just kept nodding to her words, noting them down.

"Would you be able to coax her out to talk to me–"

"Like, trick her?"

Jaz looked offended, and Troye could feel the anger coming off of her in waves. God, she was so confrontational.

"No– of course not. My wording was off.. Would you be able to– to encourage her? Troye doesn't know her as well as you, so..."

_Chill, Jaz._ Troye prompted.

Jaz sighed, and weighed it over in her mind. It would help Troye, but it could hurt their most sensitive.. She'd have to take the risk.

All she had to do for Troye to fade away a bit was think about soft, comforting things. Quiet music and baby soft blankets filled her mind.

Troye was feeling less co-conscious by the second, and more of a spectator. He couldn't tune in to Jaz's thoughts as much, or contribute to them at all. He could just watch through his own eyes as someone else controlled his body, but he was okay with that. Jaz and the unnamed girl needed this, and he preferred watching to blacking out completely.

A quieter, more apprehensive consciousness replaced him, and he was curious. Jaz really was getting her to front, wasn't she?

Troye's body drooped again, and Dr Lopest just waited patiently. She knew the switches would be rocky and slow at the start, and this seemed much more smooth than previous ones Troye had told her about.

Watching it happen right in front of her was interesting though. The way Troye's body seemed to be nothing but a vessel for the five people occupying its mind. It would lose all emotion, all character-defining movements, until someone else's took over.

She watched intently as the body—probably the sensitive girl everyone had yet to meet—curled up in the armchair Troye sat on, arms coming to rest on his knees, hiding his face from her slightly. His head bowed down, no eye contact being initiated, and the fingers started twisting together anxiously.

"Hello." Dr Lopest kept her voice quiet as she greeted whoever was in the chair across from her, and grew worried as Troye's eyes grew wide and afraid. It was as if Dr Lopest wasn't expected to talk.

"I don't know if I can do this, Jaz." A soft, high voice escaped Troye in a whisper, much more accented than his usually was. Dr Lopest was clearly speaking to a female alter, and she assumed one that had taken the brunt of Troye's trauma.

"It's alright, love. I'm not going to interrogate you. I'd just like to know your name, if that's alright?" Dr Lopest questioned, keeping that inviting, soft tone to her voice so the poor girl wouldn't shy back any further than she was already.

"Uhm.." She seemed hesitant, and twiddled Troye's fingers again for some seconds before she nodded slightly.

"Rain."

The word was so quiet Dr Lopest could barely hear it, but her heart snapped at how broken the girl's voice showed her to be.

"Sorry, did you say Rain?"

She nodded her head in confirmation, and Dr Lopest jotted that down.

"That's lovely, thank you Rain. It's lovely to meet you, I'm Troye's psychotherapist, Dr Lopest. Would you feel alright talking some more, or would you rather–"

She couldn't finish talking, because already Troye's head had dropped again, and the groggy but clear-minded eyes of Troye were blinking at her ten seconds later.

"She got scared and went back inside."

\- - - - - - - -

Communication with Rain was a bit better after that. Every now and then after a short black out he'd see a note in lilac in their journal, reading something like, 'sorry. needed to be alone' in a beautiful cursive font.

Rain was the only one who never let him be co-conscious yet. She wouldn't let anyone share the mind with her while she was in control, perhaps she was ashamed? Or scared? Or... There was definitely a reason, and Troye would figure it out soon enough.

Just not yet.

It was after one of those short black outs that Troye sat on his bed staring at the things piled neatly on the duvet. Rain had organised his entire closet by colour, and on the bed sat items she had left a note of 'you don't wear these much anymore'. She was right, but Troye was confused.

She wanted time alone in the body to... To organise things?

No, no. That was too simple. She was distracting herself? Coping?

Something like that, probably.

_Definitely._  Kody chimed in, and Troye jumped slightly at the voice.

"Oh. Hi, Kody. Is Rain okay?" He mumbled aloud.

_She's better than earlier._  Kody answered.

So the 'alone time' helped.

Alright, he'd just have to accept it then, wouldn't he?

Suddenly, his bedroom door opened, revealing Dylan smiling gently with a small box in his hands.

"You forgot this, Rain."

"Rain isn't here anymore, but thank you." Troye told Dylan, whose cheeks flushed pink in embarrassment.

"Right. Sorry." He mumbled, and lifted one hand to rub at the back of his neck.

Troye giggled, and gestured for his foster brother to come sit by him on the bed.

"Can't believe she sorted out all my shit from our room." He shook his head, and looked around the clean room.

That week he'd moved out of Dylan's room and into what used to be the office room. Dr Lopest had recommended he have his own room so his alters could all express themselves without fear, and Jenna had immediately complied. 

There were five shelves lined up on a wall, each one designated to a different alter. Ethan's was the only one half full, having a few colouring books and crayons and his two stuffed animals there. Kody's just had a calendar and a nerdy coffee mug (it had the Ravenclaw crest on it). Jaz's had a cactus and a bright red tin of cookies that were for  _her_ only. Rain's only had some poetry books and a stress-relieving colouring book. And Troye's... He just used it as a place to store his favourite CDs, books, and movies. Well, there was also a pastel pink heart book stopper at either end of his small collection.

Troye wasn't going to complain about it, but there was a part of him that missed Dylan's loud music or the gentle sound of his pencil sketching on paper.

"Thanks for learning more about this whole... This." He gestured to himself on the last word, and looked at Dylan who was shaking his head.

"It's the least Hari and I could do! We don't want to make you feel awkward or uncomfortable because we don't get what's going on." Dylan shrugged, and Troye smiled the biggest he had all day.

It was nice to have a family that cared.

\- - - - - - - -

A month later, and Troye was going back to school.

He'd been off for two months after his diagnosis, but Dr Lopest deemed him in control enough to re-join school now... so there he was.

_Please don't front while we're at school._  He begged to the others as he walked toward his small group of friends with his blue backpack slung over one shoulder. Maybe they'd listen for once.

"Troye!" Tyler screeched as soon as he caught sight of the brown curls.

He ran over to squish him in a tight hug, and squealed out a 'hi!' as he ruffled Troye's hair.

"Hi, Tilly." Troye mumbled in reply, lifting a hand to fix his curls instinctively.

"Where've you been, dude? Jenna kept saying you were dealing with something, and– and you never answered your phone." Tyler lowered his voice when he said that, and stepped further from the group with Troye, who looked sheepish.

"You're going to think I'm insane." He mumbled, but Tyler shook his head and promised he wouldn't.

"I got diagnosed with, uhm, with a disorder two months ago. And I've been learning how to get that under control since then. I still kinda am, but I'm okay enough to come to school, so–"

He cut himself off when he saw how confused Tyler looked.

"Troye, babes, you're gonna have to be more specific for me to understand." He gently said, and Troye nodded with a sigh.

"I have Dissociative Identity Disorder." He waited for Tyler's inevitable confused look and was quick to explain what it was without getting too scientific and confusing.

Tyler's eyes were wide and his jaw was slightly dropped by the end, but he didn't look disbelieving or freaked out.

"Whoa. Four other people are just... There?"

"Yeah.."

"Dope." Tyler decided, and Troye shook his head with a laugh.

"And they're all super different than you?" He questioned, and Troye nodded with a tiny smile. He hadn't expected Tyler to be so understanding, but he was endlessly happy about it.

"Well, Kody has an American accent and Ethan is completely full on Perth, and they've all got different handwriting–"

"Can I see?" Tyler gasped out, almost bouncing on his feet with excitement (for some reason).

Troye thought about it for a second, and then looked at his best friend for a moment, and knew he could trust him. He reached into his school bag and took out the journal he used to chat with his alters.

"We talk through this if I black out or something. Everyone has a colour. Rain is lilac, Kody is blue, Ethan is green, and Jaz is red. Mine's just black." He then flipped to a page where everyone had written something, including himself.

The first one he found was one with a shaking drawing of a dinosaur in the middle, clearly done by Ethan, with the words 'jenna buyed me a dino today!' written in messy green underneath. In blue next to the picture, Kody had written in his neat, all capitals font, 'cool drawing, buddy! your new dino seems cuddly'. Jaz had written a 'what a scary t-rex!' above it in a messy scrawl, and Rain had drawn a loveheart along with a 'love it, Ethan' in her beautiful cursive. Troye had put a simple 'that's where he came from! i gave him a cuddle for you last night' in his boring handwriting.

He handed the book to Tyler open on that page before he could feel embarrassed about it. He always got embarrassed about how weird it must be to see him, a seventeen year old, act like a very young boy.

"How old is Ethan?" Tyler asked after a few moments, pointer finger tracing the lines of the dinosaur. Troye flushed pink.

"Five." He mumbled.

Tyler awed, and then seemed to have a light bulb moment.

"This explains a lot actually."

"What?"

"Sometimes you sound more American or Australian, and sometimes you're more out there or more immature or sometimes more mature. This just, it makes sense now."

Troye offered him a smile, and opened his mouth to say something else when the bell went. Tyler was quick to give the journal back to Troye, and was about to drag Troye to their English class when Troye put a hand on his arm.

"Could you tell Miss Colmer I'm with the principal? I gotta go give him a copy of my diagnosis so I can leave class if I need to." He said, and Tyler nodded with a smile.

"Good luck with Mr Anderson. God knows he's a dickhead."

_Yeah. Good luck to me._  Troye thought to himself with a sigh.

He then made his way toward the main reception, that was right by Mr Anderson's office. As soon as he pushed the door open the receptionist shot him a clearly fake smile.

"Troye Mellet, right?" She checked, and Troye nodded as she glanced down at her computer screen.

"Mr Anderson's in his office. Go right in." She said, waving her hand behind her and toward the office door.

Troye nodded, took a deep breath, and walked through the door (after knocking, of course).

Mr Anderson looked up from a pile of papers, and regarded him blankly.

He kept staring until Troye felt uncomfortable in the doorway, and stepped in so the door could fall shut.

"Uhm, I'm Troye Mellet. I'm here to talk about what I need because of my disorder..?" He said quietly, getting a little anxious in the presence of the older man.

Mr Anderson sighed and nodded his head toward one of the seats across from his desk.

"Right. All I got from your mother–" Troye winced, but didn't interrupt or correct him, "–is that you got diagnosed with some disorder and needed time off. So explain."

Troye nodded, and swallowed harshly. He first got out the handwritten letter from Dr Lopest, outlining that Troye  _did_ in fact have a serious disorder (and it explained it briefly) that could affect his learning if it wasn't handled correctly. He handed it to Mr Anderson to read, and bit his lip at the disbelieving look on the principal's face.

"You seriously expect me to believe you have four other people in your head? Mellet that sounds insane."

Troye felt his heart drop into his stomach, but he just averted his eyes and nodded.

"I wouldn't make that up, Sir. All I'm asking is if you could email my teachers so they know I might have to step out of lesson sometimes."

He tried to keep his voice confident and even, but Mr Anderson's subtle head shaking was rather off putting.

"I need real evidence, Troye. You could have forged this letter just to get some special treatment. I know what you teenagers are like–"

Troye was appalled at the words escaping the principal's mouth.

"Call the place I get psychotherapy from, then." He dared to interrupt the man mid-rant about teenagers and their deceiving ways.

Mr Anderson narrowed his eyes and glanced down at the piece of paper and the phone number. He didn't seem to believe it was real, as he looked up the place's official number in case Troye had given him a fake one or something.

Why didn't this man trust him at all? He was a good student.

He picked up the phone  on his desk and slowly (way too slowly) entered in the number. He even put it on speaker phone and dared to smirk at Troye when a lady picked up.

" _Hello, this is the L.A. Mental Health and Wellness Centre speaking, how can I help?_ "

"Hi, this is principal Anderson from North Hollywood High School. I'm calling to check one of my students is telling the truth about his therapy sessions."

Troye almost laughed.  _Way to make yourself look like a jackass._ He thought to himself.

" _Uh, alright. What's this student's name, age and therapist, please?_ "

Mr Anderson shot Troye another smirk, as if he was about to be busted, and spoke after a second of looking down at the letter Troye had given him.

"Troye Mellet, seventeen. Says he's seeing a... Dr Lopest? For Dissociative Identity Disorder."

There was a moment of quite and typing, before the lady spoke up again.

" _Yes. Troye's on the system. Lopest's notes say he's coming back to school today? Tell him good luck from all of us._ "

Dr Anderson looked shocked, and Troye took the time to look smug and tilt his head a bit as Mr Anderson hung up and glared at him.

It was silent for a few seconds.

"I'll get that email sent out. Off to lessons now, Mellet."

\- - - - - - - -

After that, Troye had a relatively good day.

Until at break time, when he got the chance to see Connor, who was stood with Tyler and chatting about random stuff. Connor normally got in a bit late because he lived a bit further away, so Troye hadn't seen him before school.

They'd greeted each other nicely, and Troye decided to confide in him with his disorder too. He didn't want everyone to know, but Tyler and Connor were his best friends. Plus, Tyler had taken it so well, he should've expected the same from Connor, right?

Wrong.

He'd just finished explaining to Connor what the disorder entailed, when he looked back up to Connor's face. He was kind of hoping for the same intrigued and a little amazed expression Tyler had had, but instead there was nothing but doubt.

"Do you think I'm stupid or something? I know that shit isn't real, Troye."

Oh.

His heart sank, and beat faster as Connor glared and shook his head.

"It's just some weird thing Hollywood uses in movies. It's impossible that it's real. God, you know I'm good at science right? And you still thought I'd fall for that shit." Connor laughed a bit on the end, and Troye just looked at him in surprise for a moment, before looking down at the floor.

Tyler shuffled close to him to put a comforting hand on his wrist.

"He's serious, Con." Tyler said quietly, and Connor shook his head.

"Well, I don't believe it then. I don't want to be friends with some... some psycho that thinks he's got different personalities in his head."

Troye's bottom lip started to wobble at the words, and his eyes began stinging. He suddenly found himself wishing he'd never told his alters not to front or anything today. Just their presences in his mind had grown to be comforting. At least with them speaking inwardly to him and each other he knew his disorder was real. And that he wasn't... He wasn't crazy and he wasn't pretending.

He sniffled once, eyes still on the floor, as Tyler got mad at Connor and told him to shut the fuck up.

_It's okay, it's okay. Calm down, Troye._ Rain's soothing voice was suddenly there in his mind. She rarely became co-conscious like this, but with her there it felt like a soft blanket was wrapped around him.

_He's just being silly. He'll come around._ She promised, but Troye shook his head. He dared to look up and tune in to the argument his two best friends were having just as Connor called him a freak.

He sniffled again, and let a tear drop fall.

He was quickly getting overwhelmed, and unknowingly started retreating into his mind, leaving Rain there to take over.

Soon enough, he blacked out, and his body drooped forward to lean on Tyler, head down.

That was enough to stop the argument happening.

"Troye?" Tyler asked, voice panicked.

Connor only scoffed though.

"He's just conveniently turning into one of the other 'people' in his head, probably." He shook his head, and turned and walked away just as Rain hesitantly took control of Troye's body.

She didn't want to front, though. There were too many people. Too many intimidating tall men and loud voices. Her eyes darted around the place, focusing on the giant crowds of people there, but a hand on her arm snapped her out of it.

She jumped back a few steps, and tried to take in a deep breath.

"Troye?" Tyler asked again, and Rain forced herself to make eye contact with him, eyes filling with tears. She shook her head timidly, and Tyler's eyes widened.

"Um, I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now." He murmured, but Rain didn't focus on that. She was more focused on the way someone had shoved past her when they walked. They were too close. Everyone was too close.

"C– Can you– Where's Dylan?" She got out, voice shuddering.

Tyler shrugged, but then surveyed where they were briefly for a few moments. His eyes lit up, and he first went to grab her arm, but then seemed to think about it, and offered a hand instead.

Rain took it, very very hesitantly, and let herself be lead through the crowd. She was tempted to close her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the crowds, but didn't want to hurt Troye by falling over just because of her fears and anxiety.

Tyler tapped Dylan on the back when they got there, and the boy turned around, ready to groan at whoever it was. But then he saw Troye stood with his shoulders drawn in and his head down, tears dribbling down his face.

"Rain?" He checked softly, and she nodded slowly.

"Shit." He muttered, and turned back to his friends to tell them he had to go.

"Dylan, I'm freaking out. What do I do to help?" Tyler asked, and both Dylan and Rain glanced at his hands to see them shaking a bit.

"I– I'm sorry!" She said softly, feeling awful. This was all her fault. She should've been better at helping Troye.

"Rain, love. We're gonna get you to a quiet place, okay?" Dylan said softly, and Rain just nodded as another tear slipped down her face.

Tyler followed the pair aimlessly as Dylan lead them to sit underneath a tree. She was still shaking, but managed to sit down gracefully.

Tyler was a bit shocked at how gentle Dylan was being, and was also still unsure of how to act. That was until Dylan patted the spot next to him, before putting his arm around Rain's shoulder.

"It's okay. Take deep breaths." He guided her through her anxiety until she was breathing evenly and seemed to feel more safe.

She looked up at Tyler shyly, and offered a little smile when he waved in a friendly manner.

"It's nice to meet you, Rain." He said gently, trying to speak in the same comforting way that Dylan was.

Rain just nodded in response, and looked down again, biting her lip.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Dylan asked, and Rain nodded hesitantly.

"I was trying to calm Troye down, but he dissociated so I had to take over and– I didn't want to." She explained shortly, and Dylan frown at Tyler. He directed the next question at him.

"Why did Troye need calming down?"

"He told Connor about his disorder and Connor didn't believe him and called him a freak."

Dylan's jaw dropped, but at that moment the bell went. Tyler looked unsure of what to do, but Dylan waved him off in the direction of the main building.

"Get to class. I'll take Rain home." Tyler nodded and got up, but before he could leave Dylan called after him, "I'm gonna make sure Connor doesn't talk like that to Troye again, or tell anyone about his disorder."

\- - - - - - - -

Over the next three months Tyler got to know Troye's other alters.

He watched Game of Thrones with Kody, played video games with Jaz, and sometimes just went to the library to read with Rain. The one that took the longest for him to be allowed to meet was Ethan.

Tyler himself was, admittedly, a little apprehensive about meeting him; he didn't know how to act around a little kid. And Troye was embarrassed about how he acted when he was Ethan. It would be weird for Tyler to see his body acting like a five year old.

It wasn't even planned when Tyler did meet him (Troye had scheduled days where he'd let different alters come out if they needed to so the system stayed working well together). Troye and Tyler had been watching TV and chatting aimlessly—"Have you heard about the new kid joining school? Apparently he's really cool and has a motorcycle.", "Oh, that's cool.", "His name's Jack or something. No– wait– it was... Jacob? Yeah. Jacob."—when Troye felt the familiar pressure in the back of his head.

He let himself relax into the cushions behind him in case the oncoming switch was violent and made him fall forward, and focused on figuring out who was wanting to front.

The familiar presence of Ethan clouded his mind, and he felt himself being dragged away from being in control so he could simply watch what Ethan chose to do with his body. Tyler was mid sentence, but shut up as soon as Troye let out a huff of breath and slumped forward.

His brows raised in surprise, and he watched warily for who he'd be talking to when Troye's head rose again.

When Troye's body moved again, Tyler was surprised to see his blue eyes wide and innocent, and his whole being being more fidgety than usual. He couldn't decipher who he was talking to, until it hit him– 

"Ethan?" The one alter he hadn't met yet.

The boy hummed in acknowledgement, and looked at Tyler with a childish smile.

"Hi." He said happily, but quietly and timidly, lifting one hand to wave at him.

"Hi. I'm Tyler." Tyler introduced himself, and Ethan just hummed again.

"I know, everyone likes you lots and lots. I– I wanted to meet you too!" The boy explained, nodding his head as he spoke.

Tyler smiled a bit and thought for a second.

"Would you like to do some colouring? You have some books on your shelf, don't you?" 

Ethan's eyes lit up at the mention, and he nodded.

"I gots to ask Jenna for crayons!" He said, accidentally letting his words be too loud. He cut himself off after jumping off the couch, and looked around with wide, afraid eyes. He was frozen, as if waiting to be shouted at, for a few moments, and then simply continued and walked from the lounge to the kitchen.

Jenna was stood there cooking.

"Jenna!" Ethan said happily, and she jolted slightly from where she stood, turning to see the familiar bounciness of Ethan.

"Oh! It's my favourite little boy." She said with a grin, and the boy just kept smiling.

"Can I have the crayons?" He asked, and then realised he'd forgotten something, "–Please!"

"Of course you can, sweetheart. Let me just–" She moved some things about on the countertop and then lead Ethan back into the lounge to get out the desired crayons from a chest of drawers.

She blinked a few times at the sight of Tyler rushing into the room seconds later with some of Ethan's colouring books, and then smiled. So Troye had finally let Tyler meet Ethan?

"Jenna," Ethan whispered loudly, and she hummed, "That's Troye's friend Tyler! I'm gonna colour with him."

Jenna gasped exaggeratedly at that, and smiled when the boy bounced on his feet in excitement again.

"Oh, really? I'll leave you two to it then."

And on her way out of the room, she whispered to Tyler how glad she was that Troye had such good friends, and turned to watch as Tyler helped Ethan pick out a colouring page.

She'd say things were going good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!
> 
> it took me a while to write this but i'd say it came out pretty good
> 
> what do you guys think so far?
> 
> jacob's comin in next chapter
> 
> and i'm sorry (but kinda not) for making connor a dick in this story it's just how things are gonna be
> 
> that's all
> 
> dubai my loves


	3. Chapter 3

Troye had a vague memory of Tyler mentioning a new boy named Jacob. He didn't remember much about the conversation (as he'd been in the process of switching to Ethan), but he knew the boy was coming to the school soon.

He just didn't expect him to be this hot.  
Something in his heart panged at the sight of the boy as he shuffled into the English classroom. He was tall, and carried himself in a bit of an awkward manner, but Troye assumed the unconfident hunched posture was a result of new-boy nerves, nothing else. Because Troye couldn't see what the boy had to be insecure about.

He had soft-looking dark hair, well-kept and neatly styled. His eyes were either a pretty shade of green or brown (Troye was sat too far away from the front to be able to tell). His lips were plump and pink against his olive skin. And, to top it all off, his style was impeccable.

Well.. Either that or he just looked good in simple outfits. All he wore was black skinny jeans with a white t-shirt and a denim jacket, but boy did he pull it off.

"Class, this is Jacob Bixenman, he'll be joining our class from now on. Don't make him feel unwelcome, etcetera. You know the deal." Troye's English teacher, Miss Hemsway said. Her voice had the undertone of a sigh that it always did, and she gestured Jacob in Troye's general direction.

"Go sit with Troye."

Troye watched as Jacob nodded at the teacher and furrowed his brows. He started to walk toward the back of the room, and Troye's heart was suddenly racing.

 _Please, please, please no switching today. Not even subtlly. I don't want to scare Jacob away._  He begged internally.

He'd built up quite a good relationship with everyone in his system by now, so he hoped they'd listen to his request. None of them were supposed to front when he was at school anyway, but there was always a chance.

At his thoughts, he felt Jazz huff, but retreat regardless.

He managed to collect himself just as Jacob took his seat beside him and shoved his backpack under the desk.

"You are Troye, right?" The cute boy checked, and Troye nodded in silence, staring at the boy now that he was up close and personal.

Even his voice was attractive.

Also, now he was up close he could see Jacob's eyes were in fact hazel.

"Well, um, nice to meet you. I'm Jacob." Jacob smiled at Troye, only getting a little nod in reply.

"I know, Miss said." Troye smiled a bit as he said that, and watched Jacob's cheeks flush pink.

"Right, right." Jacob mumbled, and looked down at his lap for a second.

There was a moment of quiet, before Miss Hemsway audibly sighed from the front and turned on the projector.

"Everyone get out your books. We're going to be revising themes in Romeo and Juliet. I want at least one page of notes on this by the end of the lesson."

"Is that it?" Jacob asked Troye as everyone simply got out their notebooks and pencil cases.

"Yeah. We've read Romeo and Juliet already, so. Just studying the boring shit behind it now." He sighed, and Jacob nodded absently.

"Pretty cool then. My old English teacher talked and talked all the time."

Troye nodded, and opened his notebook to the newest page. He was careful not to let Jacob see any of his other pages, lest he ask about the rapid changes of handwriting from page to page.

"Are we allowed to work together, or..?" Jacob asked after a moment, and Troye nodded with a smile.

"Sorry if I'm too quiet for you. I sit alone in quite a few of my classes." He admitted, and Jacob a little smile.

"Nah, it's okay. Just be ready to no longer sit alone in a few classes."

By the end of the lesson, Troye and Jacob were  _quite_ well acquainted.

"Do you have anyone to sit with at lunch?" Troye asked, but got a simple laugh in response.

"No. It's my first lesson so I don't know anyone yet," Jacob paused, "apart from you."

"Then you should sit with my friend and I!" Troye suggested, a bit more confident that Jacob would say yes. If Jacob had  _no one else_  then he'd have to say yes.

"Hmmm," Jacob pretended to think over the offer, and then nodded, "okay. Seems acceptable."

\- - - - - - - -

Every lunch since the Connor incident (as Tyler referred to it) happened, Hari sat with Troye and Tyler. She said she wanted more quality time with her foster brother, but Troye doubted very much that that was the reason she suddenly joined him every lunch when she had her own group of friends she could sit with.

He wasn't complaining though. He loved Hari.

"Hey, losers." Was what Hari greeted him and Tyler with that day as she took her seat next to Troye. Tyler waved with a smile, and Troye poked her shoulder in greeting.

"I made friends with the new boy and he's gonna sit with us today, by the way." He told the two.

He didn't expect the reaction he got from Hari. She furrowed her brows and narrowed her eyes.

"He better not be another Connor." She muttered, and Troye just shook his head as Tyler gasped as if he'd been burnt.

"Do not mention that name around me, Hari." He demanded dramatically, as if the mention of Connor pained him.

 _It pains us more than him_. Jazz butted in bitterly, and Troye stiffened a bit. No one was supposed to be fronting today. Not even just co-consciously. He couldn't scare Jacob away.

"If– If Jazz or someone fronts can you, like, distract Jacob or something. I don't know." Troye said quietly, and the two nodded immediately.

"Sure, Tro."

A smile took over Troye's face at the support from the two he sat with, before he saw Jacob enter the cafeteria and looked around. Presumably for Troye.

"Jacob's coming over. Be cool."

Hair burst out laughing at Troye's words.

"Be cool." She muttered to herself, shaking her head. She glanced up to see (who she assumed) was Jacob walking toward them, and decided to ruffle Troye's chocolate curls just as the boy sat down next to Tyler.

"Hari! Dick." Troye whined, immediately lifting two hands to fix his hair.

"Hi, Troye." Jacob said, smirking at Troye. Troye got embarrassed as he realised Jacob had seen Hari mess up his hair, and sighed.

"Hello, Jacob. This is my foster sister, Hari, and my friend, Tyler!" He introduced, pointing at the two with his middle finger and a sweet smile as he mentioned them.

Tyler gasped dramatically once again, seeming affronted.

"Troye, I'm your  _best_ friend." He corrected, and Troye rolled his eyes.

"Sure."

"Ouch, my feelings." Tyler pouted at the table, and Troye just reached over to pat his hand sarcastically.

"I think you'll be fine, Miss Drama."

Jacob started to chuckle at that, and Troye knew the boy would fit right in with his friends.

\- - - - - - - -

Over the next few weeks, Troye found himself hanging out with Jacob more and more. He had the boy's number (saved as 'Jake' with a bunch of random emojis afterwards) and they were texting more often than they weren't. It was actually starting to piss Jenna off quite a bit, Troye could tell.

Troye didn't even think about how close he was getting with the boy in such a short time until he was meditating one night.

He'd found that meditation was the best way for him to communicate with his alters. He could concentrate on nothing but his inner world and his alters' presences without being interrupted or looking too insane. The inner world was still the apartment block, and he still always entered Kody and Ethan's apartment to meet with everyone.

The first person to talk to him in that session surprised him.

_He'd visualised the familiar apartment building he remembered and walked into the sitting room that contained all of their chairs (immediately settling in his one), when Rain and Jazz came running into the room. They looked slightly panicked, and Jazz slammed the apartment door shut behind her and locked it. Rain's skin looked even paler than usual, her grey eyes wide._

_"Troye, everything is falling apart." Rain said bluntly._

_Troye blinked. Rain's stutter was nowhere to be seen as she talked urgently at him, and when she got no response she ran over and curled up with him on his chair._

_"Troye." She whispered pitifully, and he couldn't think of anything to do but hug the fragile girl. He could feel her sharp bones, but tried to ignore them and focus on comforting her while sending Jazz a questioning look._

_Jazz looked a mix between angry and scared._

_"It's that Jacob boy's fault." She told him, brows furrowed._

_Troye blinked in confusion once more._

_"What?" He whispered._

_Jacob had been nothing but sweet and kind to him. How was he breaking apart the system?_

_"He's– You like him." Rain whispered from her seat, and Troye blushed._

_Even though these people were literally a part of him, he still got embarrassed when they figured out these personal things._

_"Well– Yeah." He nodded, and Rain paled further._

_"I don't– This is bad, Troye." Rain continued to whisper, her stutter coming back as the urgency left her voice._

_"What's bad, love?"_

_"Um. Liking someone. We'll just get– it's gonna hurt."_

_Troye was getting more and more confused with every word. It reminded him greatly of his first meeting with his alters._

_"Why is it gonna hurt us?"_

_Rain didn't answer, only looked helplessly at Jazz, who looked at the door of the apartment._

_The lock on the door was rattling, like someone was trying to unlock it._

"Troye, dinner!"

Troye jumped harshly as Jenna opened his bedroom door and exclaimed the words. His eyes had opened wide, and he found himself blinking blankly at the opposite wall for a second in attempt to recollect himself.

"Oh!" Jenna gasped when she saw him sat on the floor on his pink throw pillow, "Oh, Tro, I'm sorry, love. Were you meditating?"

Troye nodded silently, and slowly got up to join his family at the dinner table.

What did Rain mean?

\- - - - - - - -

Jacob started to hang out with Hari after a while too, and Troye was quite thankful for that. With them two getting close, maybe Jacob wouldn't notice Troye's random absences as he switched to another alter. No one but him was allowed to use his phone (unless it was an emergency), so Jacob often questioned why he sometimes replied in less than a minute and other times wouldn't reply until the next morning.

Jacob and Hari hanging out was also good because it meant Hari approved. At least one person kind of approved of his crush that way, since Rain, Jazz and Kody seemed adamantly against the idea of Troye liking someone. Ethan didn't really get an opinion in yet, but Troye assumed he didn't like it either.

He was writing this all down in his journal when he felt the familiar, innocent pressure of Ethan in the back of his head.

 _When's it Ethan's turn?_ The boy whined, shoving his way into co-consciousness with Troye.

That was when Troye realised that Ethan hadn't had any time to front that week. He'd made a schedule so everyone had at least one night a week, while still letting Troye be the host of the system.

"Oh, I forgot this week, buddy. Had a big project." Troye mumbled to himself, and Ethan only huffed angrily in response.

_Now?_

"You wanna front now?" Troye checked with a shrug. That'd be fine.

 

His stress with school and this Jacob-crush business was becoming too much anyway.

Ethan could show for a while, come out for the evening and colour and play. Troye could be co-conscious and watch or completely dissociate—either way he'd relax and it would be perfect.

"Okay." Troye mumbled to himself, perching himself on the end of his bed.

He'd caught the train of thoughts coming in from his alters, and felt Ethan come closer to the front.

It was like he was swapping seats in a car. He let Ethan sit in the driver's seat while he opted for the passenger seat. But.. In hindsight that was a bad metaphor– Ethan would never be able to drive, since he was and would always be a five-year-old.

His head dropped and his eyes shut as he let Ethan 'take the wheel', kind of like he was falling asleep while sitting up. The little was excited to be out again, since it had been a while for him.

And so, when Ethan was clear enough to be in control, his eyes opened wide and he lifted his head.

The excitement in him from being out overcame him, and he rushed to get up and run downstairs clumsily. He wanted Jenna's cooking and Hari's hugs and Dylan's art!

"Troye..?" Jenna asked curiously from where she sat at the kitchen counter as she watched him race past the doorway.

He was on a mission to get the art supplies out so he could colour, but he stopped in his tracks at Jenna's voice.

"Nope! Ethan!" He squeaked with a giggle, and opened up the cupboard of colouring books and art supplies.

Ethan was most comfortable with the people who lived with Troye and were trusted by Troye. Any strangers (or, as Ethan referred to them: 'bad people') made him become shy and afraid, but around Jenna, Hari, Dylan and Tyler, Ethan was a hyperactive terror.

"Alright, buddy. Come in here when you've got what you want, okay?" Jenna's tone of voice immediately softened when she realised it was Ethan present, not Troye.

The boy huffed, but did as told as he grabbed his half-completed dinosaur themed colouring book and a pack of crayons. He then made his way into the kitchen, eyes wide and innocent.

"Hi, Jenna!" He squealed, getting a warm smile from the lady in response. She always found the way Troye's natural Australian accent shone through more clearly when Ethan was present to be endearing.

"Hi, love. I have to warn you that Hari and Troye's friend is coming over later, so you might want to stay in Troye's room." She informed him, and he nodded with a huff.

"Okay. I can colour without Hari! Is.. Is Dylly here?" Ethan asked, tone of voice still bright and happy like always.

"No, love, he's out at the skate park. When he gets home I'll see if he wants to colour, how about that?"

"Yes please!"

After the little finished his excitable chat, he ran back off upstairs, dinosaur colouring book tucked under his arm and case of crayons in his hand.

"Okay!" The boy mumbled to himself once he got to their room, sitting cross-legged on the floor and opening the book to the next unfinished page. It was of a cartoon t-rex trying to shake hands with a person, but his arms were too short!

That made Ethan giggle, and he picked that page to colour as Troye liked it too.

Before he started colouring though, he gasped at the realisation that he wasn't holding his stuffed dino. Immediately, he jumped up and went to his shelf (the lowest one) to retrieve the green triceratops plushie that he had lovingly called Mr Trix.

There, he thought, now he could colour.

It was only ten minutes later that the front door opened and shut, a pair of loud voices echoing through the house. Ethan wasn't bothered, and continued to colour and hum quietly to himself, but Troye immediately knew who was downstairs.

Jacob was here with Hari.

Ethan immediately became excited and nervous. He loved Hari! But he hadn't met Jacob. Jacob was a stranger to him and strangers were not good.

Troye could only pray they didn't come into his room and see Ethan was out, because Hari would understand and Jacob would just... Jacob would just think he was a freak.

"We're not a freak, silly." Ethan mumbled aloud, before he giggled. He didn't have to talk aloud, Troye could hear if he just thought something.

Troye knew that, but Jacob didn't even know of his disorder. He wasn't supposed to know until he was ready to talk about it with him, but now that was all gonna go to shit.

"Nuh uh! Jakey seems nice, 'n Hari will help." Ethan said stubbornly.

He continued to colour the t-rex on the page with a bright purple as he heard Hari and Jacob walk up the stairs. The footsteps paused outside of Troye's room.

"Does Troye want to hang out too?" Jacob asked, and a nervous scoff from Hari could be heard.

"I'll ask, but Jenna said he has a headache so he might just wanna sleep. Stay here." Hari could be heard, and Troye mentally breathed a sigh of relief at her cover up.

Ethan was just excited to see Hari.

The door opened, Hari slipped in, and then let the door shut behind her.

"Hari!" The boy squealed quietly, and Hari smiled softly.

"Hey, Ethan." She greeted, and knelt down so she could give him a hug. He hugged her tightly in response, nuzzling his face into her shoulder as she knelt next to him.

"Is Troye close right now? Because his friend is here and–" She stopped as the boy's face changed to a sad frown.

"But.. But it's Ethan's turn." He said dejectedly, huffing and looking down at his colouring.

"Forget I said anything, angel. I just wanted to see–"

"I haven't even– my colouring isn't finished! I gotta finish my colouring!" He continued, and Hari nodded with a gentle, apologetic shush.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry i said anything, love. I didn't mean to upset you." Hari said sincerely, and the boy's frown changed to a grin immediately.

"'Kay! Bye bye Hari."

And with that the girl left the room, leaving Ethan to finish his colouring.

"Yeah, his head hurts. Sorry, Jay."

Troye breathed a mental sigh of relief.

Ethan managed to stay in their room and be quiet enough that Jacob didn't suspect anything when he left, so Troye was counting the evening to be a win.

The only thing about Ethan was that he got tired easily, so by 8PM, the boy was flagging hard. Mr Trix was tightly gripped in his arm, and he decided to go to sleep in Troye's big comfy bed.

As he started to fall asleep, he drifted slowly back into the inner world, letting Troye front, sleepy and sated. Troye let himself just fall asleep, gently smiling.

_"Troye?" A distinctly Australian voice was calling for him, but he was hiding in a cupboard. He was hiding and he was crying. But he was being quiet. So, so quiet._

_It wasn't very comfy in there, but it would do. When he moved the shoes and sat on a pile of coats, it was okay. And the darkness of the storage space wasn't as scary as it could've been because the doors never quite shut all the way, and some light was coming in._

_"Where are you, boy?" The voice called again, sounding more menacing._

_Troye's heart started to beat faster as he heard footsteps. They were heavy and angry and scary– and they were getting closer._

_"Troye, I swear to god, if you don't come out of wherever the fuck you're hiding," The voice growled, deep and intimidating. He paused to chuckle menacingly, "you don't wanna know what'll happen, boy."_

_Troye's breathing hitched when a shadow took over the light getting into the cupboard. He knew he was done for. Why had he breathed so loud? Now the man was going to–_

_He screamed as the cupboard doors were thrown open, revealing the owner of the voice. He was smirking as he heard Troye's afraid scream, and reached down to pick up the young boy. He was only six._

_"Found you." The man whispered, ignoring Troye's thrashing about as he carried the boy up the stairs._

_"You're gonna learn not to fucking run away from me. I paid your mother good money, and you're gonna live up to it." The man continued, and Troye began shaking._

_He didn't want this. He didn't. Why was it happening to him? He was never safe. No one and no where was safe for him._

_He was thrown down onto the double bed of the spare room, and he squeaked out a surprised sound of protest._

_The man smirked when Troye didn't try and run away this time, and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Every inch of Troye's body was still shaking in fear, but it only got worse as the man unbuttoned the poor kid's jeans and started to pull them down._

_"Matty! No!" Troye screeched. He kept screeching, but the world started to get fuzzy as his screams continued, and he started to sob until everything went black._

_Even then he was still screaming and he could still feel everything in him shaking and he could feel someone touching him in places no six year old should be touched and–_

Troye shot right up in bed, gasping and sobbing, the end of a scream leaving his mouth.

"Troye?" Someone said softly, touching his shoulder to comfort him. He only jumped away from the hand, his entire body shaking just like in that.. That nightmare?

He couldn't breathe. Who was Matty? Why did he feel so unsafe in that dream? Why was he still shaking?

Why did it feel so real?

"Troye, angel?" The soft voice spoke again, and he blinked a few times until he could focus.

Jenna stood next to his bed, Hari and Dylan lurking in the doorway. He was safe now.

But he still couldn't breathe, and he didn't know it, but he was still mumbling 'no' over and over again.

His eyes were full of tears, but he managed to reach out toward Jenna for a hug, and began to sob into her shoulder when she sat next to him.

"Shh, it was just a dream, love." Jenna soothed.

She kept her voice gentle, and kept rubbing Troye's back until he slowly started to calm down.

And as he sat there, shaking and sweating and holding onto Jenna for dear life, he faintly heard Rain's voice in his head, just as shaky and anxious as he felt.

_I'm sorry._

 


	4. Chapter 4

****_Troye watched from his usual hiding spot as his mother got her payment from Matty._

_His shaky fingers were curled cautiously around the corner of the living room wall as he worked up the courage to peak around it at what was happening by the door. (He was never allowed near the door, lest someone see him.) His small knuckles were bloody and bruised and weak; he hadn't been fed the previous two days, as he hadn't been 'good enough' to get food._

_In his other hand he clutched a green dinosaur plushie. It was the only comfort he had._

_"And you're sure he'll be good this time? I'm not gonna pay $50 each time and not get my money's worth, Laurelle." He heard Matty growl._

_The five year old could visualise the dark haired man's scowl, the way his unkempt eyebrows would draw together, one angry line separating them. His eyes would be narrowed, the almost-black irises only just visible in the slits of his eyes still open. His thin lips would be pursed and in an unimpressed line. He maybe had his mother held against the wall, his calloused, strong hands holding her there by the base of her neck._

_He'd done it to Troye enough times now, after two years of him being 'serviced' to the older man._

_"I– I promise, Matty." Laurelle's nervous, breathless stutter could be heard quietly, and that was when Troye dared to peak around the corner._

_His thick curls bounced slightly at the abruptness of the movement, one of his bright blue eyes and a portion of his pale skin the only other things that peaked around._

_He saw his mother, as expected, pressed against the wall, a thumb digging into the base of her throat, and an unhappy Matty all up in her face._

_When his mother spotted him peaking around though, her eyes relaxed from their wide, afraid state to a smug, business-like one. She was content and confident around Matty now. One hand gestured down the hall, and Troye's eyes widened in panic._

_He tried to hide around the corner again, but he wasn't fast enough. Matty saw the flash of brown curls, and a laugh echoed through the house._

_"Let's not play hide and seek again, baby." Troye heard as he ran back through the living room and up the stairs. Or, he started running up the stairs, but then stopped._

_What was the point of hiding? Matty was going to find him eventually._

_"You didn't get very far." Troye jumped so hard at the low, rough voice that he slipped on a stairs and started to fall._

_Unluckily, he only twisted his foot weirdly before Matty caught him, meaning no major injuries. No excuses for Matty to not get his way._

_"Hello, sweetheart." Matty whispered, smug. Troye only clenched his little eyes shut in response, knowing where he was being carried when Matty made his way up the stairs._

_As he was brought into the spare bedroom, he heard the front door slam shut. His mother was gone again. He and Matty were alone._

_He kept his eyes tightly shut as Matty started to strip him against his will, and tried to keep his breath even. There was no use in fighting this anymore. He knew that._

_But it was still so so scary._

_"Why aren't your pretty eyes open for me, hm? Wanna see how scared you are." Matty murmured, and suddenly Troye could feel him close—so so close—to his face. He clutched onto his dino more tightly, and whimpered in fear, but reluctantly opened his eyes._

_He was greeted with Matty inches from his face._

_"There you are." Matty smiled, smug._

_It was then that Troye started to panic._

_It felt so much more real when he could see what was happening. He could see Matty pulling down his pants. He could see him toying with his underwear. He could feel his hardness against his leg. He could feel his own tears pooling in his eyes, and see how they blurred the scene in front of him._

_He just wanted out of the situation. He needed an out, and if he couldn't do so physically, he would do so mentally._

_Blue eyes roamed the wall until he found a spot to focus on (a tiny crack in the faded wallpaper), and just stared at it. He stared and stared and stared until he felt like he wasn't even looking at anything anymore. Until his vision got blotchy and he really knew he should've blinked, or moved, or breathed some more but he didn't._

_He pictured a place far away, a place where he could hold his dino toy gently. A place with a pretty garden and blue skies he was allowed to see. A place with nice people that he could call his friends. He knew that he lived in an apartment building, so he imagined one, but nicer. He wanted to live on the top floor._

_The feeling of Matty touching was so distant now. The grunts and the jerks of his own body were so so far away._

_He could just focus on imagining this hallway that he was walking down. He could imagine a friend, one that was his age, and liked to play, and liked dinosaurs! He'd never had a friend before, but the few times he saw the telly on, that's how friends seemed to be. He didn't know what to call his friend... but he was happy to see a boy similar to him, that even had an identical dino plushie!_

_And, just like that, he wasn't in the spare bedroom anymore._

_He couldn't feel his tears running down his cheeks or himself choking and sobbing and screaming. He just saw the nice apartment he'd thought up for himself._

Just like with the first nightmare, Troye shot up in his bed, the tail of a scream mixed with a strangled sob escaping his mouth, tears falling down his cheeks like a waterfall.

Jenna was at his side, looking even more concerned than the first time, but he just couldn't breathe, he couldn't think, he couldn't process anything being said to him, because– was that real?

\- - - - - - - -

Jacob seemed to detect Troye's strange mood a few days later when they hung out.

The were simply sat on the swings at their local park, music playing quietly from Jacob's phone (they'd made a spotify playlist for when they hung out, at Troye's request). It was getting dark out, but neither of them cared as they rocked back and forth on the swings, chatting idly about this and that, both important and so unimportant topics being covered by their gentle words.

"You okay, T?" Jacob asked after a few moments of silence, Khalid's Therapy playing softly in the background. The sun was mostly set by then, and the stars were starting to show in the sky.

Troye sighed, and nodded. He was kind of tired, and confused, but that was it.

"I don't believe you, but okay. If you wanna talk about it, you know I'm always here, yeah?" Jacob pressed in a careful way, and Troye managed to quirk his lips up.

He glanced to his right at Jacob, and huffed out a laugh when he saw the boy holding out his pinky finger.

"What  _are_ you doing, you idiot?" He shook his head as he spoke, but Jacob just gestured at him with it again.

"Pinky promise that I'm always here for you. I'm your best friend, Tro." Jacob's hazel eyes were honest as he spoke, and he leant over some more so he could tap Troye's hand with his pinky.

Troye hooked his pinky with Jacob's, and they didn't really shaky on it, but just let their hands swing between them, linked together.

"Don't let Tyler hear you call yourself my best friend." Troye murmured, and Jacob laughed a bit.

"I don't have a death wish, you know."

"You're both my best friends, for the record." Troye continued, and Jacob just shook his head.

"Off topic, but okay."

There was a pause.

"I've just been having weird nightmares recently," Troye was being vague, but he didn't exactly want to tell Jacob about them in detail, "so I've been sleeping less. I'm tired."

He unlinked their pinkies to rub at his face in frustration, not looking at Jacob this time.

"I'm just tired."

"Well, I've been told I'm a great cuddler, you know." Jacob informed him lightly, as if Troye didn't know.

"Yes, I know. You never let anyone forget that you're the king of big spoons."

"Well, it's true. I'm sorry you're having nightmares. I used to have this recurring one when I was, like, seven which was just me running away from this clown in a completely white endless void." Jacob told him.

Troye knew he was trying to cheer him up, and it worked. Jacob always brought a smile to his face. (The thought still terrified his subconscious.) There was another short pause.

"Tro, are you free this Friday evening?" Jacob asked suddenly, voice a little more shaky than usual.

"Yeah, why?"

"Would you.. Would you maybe wanna go out with me? Like, just us?"

"Like... A date?"

"Yes, dumbass. Like, a date."

"Okay. Yes I'd like that a lot."

(The fear in his subconscious increased. Troye thought it was just normal crush nerves.)

\- - - - - - - -

Every night after his time with Jacob, he assumed he was tired because his mind was fighting off nightmares, or having nightmares. He thought his sleep just.. wasn't satisfying his over-occupied mind. He thought he was just restless.

But, only two days after his time with Jacob at the park, Jenna pulled him aside after dinner.

"Where have you been going every night? Or one of your alters? Who's been going out?" Jenna asked, seeming quietly angry and slightly disappointed.

Troye's entire face went blank in response.

"What are you talking about?" He questioned.

Jenna looked equally as blank.

"Every night... About two.. you've just, gotten up and left the house? Or.. one of you has?" Jenna informed him, and Troye waited for someone to come forward and confess, but no one did. A lingering darkness occupied the back of his mind though.

He was suddenly a bit panicked.

"I don't– I don't remember.. are you sure it wasn't Dylan?" He asked, desperate.

His alters wouldn't.. The only one that made him black out was Rain, and that was with a warning! How could one of them betray him like that? Surely they wouldn't? Right?

"No, it's definitely you. I was worried the first night so I came down to see and– you ignored me when I called after you and just ran off toward the.. the woods maybe? I don't know."

As moments passed by Troye got more anxious. One of his alters was going behind his back. This was  _not_ how a good relationship in a system worked. He couldn't have them betraying him like this. 

 _Who was it?_ He asked, ice cold, to his alters.  _Own up. Now._ He demanded, frustrated.

"Why the fuck would anyone– and who the fuck.. What the fuck, Jenna?"

"Language, Troye!" Jenna scolded quietly, and Troye just shook his head.

"One– One of them is betraying me, Jenna. What if– What if something bad happens, or– or– or– they're not all good like I've thought," He could feel his breathing start to pick up in pace as his mind worked faster and faster, "why would they do that to me?"

His voice cracked on the last word, but the whole system was, unusually, quiet. Tears started to build up in his eyes as panic crawled up his throat, but he decided that, no. This was not going to happen.

He would deal like this like the Host of the system he was.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and exhaled.

"I'm going to meditate." He told Jenna shortly, and immediately turned to go upstairs.

He ignored any questions coming after him, just went to sit in the centre of his room with his journal. Instead of visiting his inner world, he decided to just open up and let anyone write whatever they wanted on the page.

He started to write about Jacob asking him on a date...

He'd blacked out at some point, because what he next remembered, he was sat on his bed. It was four in the morning, his window was open, and his room was cold. Ice cold.

Moonlight streamed in from the window, a slit of light perfectly illuminating the journal spread open on the floor.

Troye ignored the strangeness of him blacking out, and it being about ten hours since he started writing, and immediately jumped down from where he sat rigidly on his bed to see his journal.

As soon as he reached out to turn a page back to where he started, his eyes widened. His fingers left red marks on the page as he turned them.

Hesitantly, he lifted his hands up and turned them over to look at his skin. He was shocked at what he saw. It wasn't even that bad, but it shocked him.

Each finger had at least one cut. They each looked like the work of a thorn, or.. or a needle? And stung like going through a rough bush in a forest. He couldn't really do anything about them though, so he simply wiped off the red onto his t-shirt, and looked down at the page.

Again, shock filled him.

In between the panicked words of Rain, the angry words of Jazz, the afraid words of Ethan and the factual words of Kody surrounding his brief paragraph about his time with Jacob, there was a message over everyone's writing. Written in blood red.

'BIG MISTAKE'.

That was when he started to panic.

\- - - - - - - -

_Troye wasn't allowed to roam the house anymore. He was locked in the spare room, deprived of everything but the green dino he still held close, and occasional plates of food._

_He was so touch starved at this point, his mind so messed up, that time was an abstract concept. He sat on the bed, and he stared at the wall, and sometimes his mother would come in and slap him, and sometimes she'd come in and give him food, or sometimes it would be Matty. If he was going to be slapped, or sold off to Matty for the day, he preferred to leave to his imaginary home._

_The gang had increase by then, him being eight now. There was still the unnamed young boy, who was still five and sweet and innocent, but there was also an older man who treated Troye like a real son. There was even a girl who had pretty dark hair, and wore pretty colourful clothes and was always ready to defend Troye from anyone and anything. Another girl was always curled up in the corner, and outside, a darkness lingered._

_But he was still in the spare room that day, staring at the crack in the wall. His curls looked more like long locks, and Matty liked to call him a girl a lot. Sometimes, Troye liked Matty, because sometimes Matty was gentle, and Troye never got gentle. Even if it was Matty stroking him somewhere he didn't like, or petting at his stomach, or rubbing bad things against his cheek, it was gentler than his mother had ever been–_

_"Troye." His mother was at the door, and suddenly his eyes were not on the crack on the wall._

_He liked to always be looking at a specific point, all the time, because it was certain. The crack in the wall didn't move, or creep up on him. It was always there, it was constant._

_"Troye." His mother snapped again, because he lost focus (he always lost focus, off in his own little world), and stepped forward._

_Troye knew it was coming, but he didn't have time to react before– slap!_

_His cheek was probably red now, or maybe it was bruised... The amount of times his mother had hit him that week._

_"Matty's on his way over. He's bringing a friend. Be good." She told him, and oh._

_That was new. New was not good. Never good._

_Troye shook his head, and earned himself another slap! across the cheek._

_"N– Not just M– Matty?" He whispered, finally looking at his mother for a moment. He was just in time to see her smirk._

_"I'm getting paid double." She wriggled her eyebrows, as if Troye should be happy, and rolled her eyes when bland tears came to her eight year old son's eyes._

_"Lighten up. I've heard you. I know you love it." She whispered the last sentence like it was a joke, giggling to herself, and Troye shuddered. Of course; she was drunk._

_"Oh!" There was a firm knock—Matty—on the door, and Laurelle ran off to go answer it._

_As soon as she was gone, Troye was in quiet panic. There was nowhere to hide here. There was nowhere he could go. He didn't want to meet another Matty. He'd be bad bad bad._

_New people had never been good (apart from the people in his imaginary place), even the first person he'd ever met—his mother—had been bad bad bad. She sold him and used him and gave him off to Matty every other day and–_

_He jumped up and ran to the corner._

_He couldn't hide, but he could curl up. He could lean against the wall and hope that.. that Matty wasn't in the mood, or hope that his friend was.. was nice. Yeah, he'd be okay._

_He curled up, and clenched his eyes shut, waiting for the creak of the door that haunted him even in his imaginary place that he went to when he stared at the wall._

_A tutting sound joined Matty's signature, slow open of the door, along with an extra pair of soft footsteps._

_"Were you really trying to hide? I thought you'd given that up years ago." Matty didn't sound angry, just amused. Troye would much rather make Matty laugh than be angry._

_He peaked open one eye, met with Matty towering over him, and a man just as tall and buff and dark haired stood behind him._

_"I'm gonna introduce you to my friend here, Ryan. Haven't stopped telling him about you, you know. He wanted a piece..." Matty trailed off to reach down and grab Troye by the neck._

_He threw the fragile boy onto the bed, not caring for the numb squeak that escaped Troye as he obediently got into the position._

_It was just the same. Even with another Matty, it was the same... Nothing changed. He could do this._

_He stared up at the crack in the wall, trying not to flinch at the feeling of two sets of hands on his back, running over his bruised and fragile skin. He blinked as tears fell, and sobs shuddered through his body, but other than that?_

_He was completely gone._

_He felt the two bad things happening at the same time, distantly knew he was hurting and choking and screaming, but this room was pretty. His friends were with him, and a warm warm warm fireplace was now against a wall._

_The fire was so warm and pretty._

_Its gentle heat felt like the hugs Troye never got._

The wake up call from his nightmare was worse this time.

It took him an entire two hours to calm down, his throat raw from screaming every time Jenna tried to hold him and comfort him.

He didn't go to school that day, or the next. He knew he wouldn't be able to handle it.

\- - - - - - - -

"Troye! Jacob's here!" Jenna called from downstairs, and Troye looked himself in the mirror again. He had to look good for his first date with Jacob. He had to.

He'd never been on a date before, so he'd had a bit of a freak out directly at Jacob via text earlier that night.

( _ **tro** : jay what do i wear are we going to a posh restaurant or something?_

_**jay** : oh good! you still wanna go!! :D_

_**tro** : why would i not silly_

_**jay** : you haven't been in today or yesterday, so i thought maybe you were ill_

_**tro** : uh yeah_

_**tro** : i feel better now though. was just tired today_

_**jay** : ah okay_

_**tro** : please answer my question !_

_**jay** : dress casual ;)_

_**tro** : how vague_

_**jay** : well you know i love your blue sweater on you_

_**tro** : i'll wear that then_)

He took a deep breath. His hair was styled to perfection, curls falling prettily on his forehead, and he was wearing the sweater he knew Jacob loved along with some black skinny jeans. It was just casual enough, but still made him look cute.

"Troye!" Jenna called again, and Troye flushed pink.

"Coming!" He shouted in reply, and sprayed himself one last time with his favourite body spray, took a deep breath, and left his room.

The anxiety lessened as he walked downstairs to see an equally nervous Jacob stood by the door, looking flawless in a simple white t-shirt and bomber jacket with jeans. Both of them smiled at each other as Troye walked over, cheeks still pink.

"Have him back by 11, please." Jenna smiled to Jacob, who nodded politely, and stepped backwards outside so Troye could follow him.

Troye let the front door shut behind him gently, and giggled when Jacob continued to walk backwards.

"What're you doing, idiot?" He asked, and Jacob just smiled some more and revealed his left hand to show a single Peony flower. It looked so beautiful, the perfect shade of pink, and Troye giggled.

"It's pastel!" He enthused quietly, and Jacob grinned, placing it in Troye's hands.

"It means compassion and a happy life." He said shyly, and then turned so he could walk in step with Troye.

"That's so sweet, Jake."

Jacob flushed a bit at Troye's words, and mumbled out a 'you're welcome'.

"So, what's on the agenda for tonight?" Troye asked as he got into the passenger's seat of Jacob's mom's car.

"Well, I thought we could drive to the beach and have a bit of a picnic? The sun's already setting, I know, but we might get to see a little bit of the sunset."

Troye grinned and nodded at his date, reaching over to grip Jacob's free hand for a few moments.

The drive was fun and loud and carefree. Troye held one hand out of the window most of the time, laughing and chatting to Jacob as their special playlist serenaded them quietly. (If he heard a few new songs about crushes and romance, he wasn't going to mention it.)

It was also a fast one, though, and not even twenty minutes later, they were at their destination. Troye's Peony got abandoned on his seat as Jacob reached into the back for a cute checkered blanket and an adorable wicker picnic basket, presumably full of food.

Troye could already tell the date was going to go well.

They set up their spot quite far from the water, letting the crash of waves lull distantly at them while they ate their tiny heart shaped sandwiches and snacked on everything from cheetos to strawberries.

And Troye thought he couldn't learn anymore about Jacob, but there was so much! He learnt what Jacob thought about hiking, and finally got to read some of the boy's writing (it was phenomenal!). 

Overall it was going well, even if Rain and Jazz were whispering in his head, anxious and fearful. A darkness lingered, like it always did nowadays.

It was near the end of their date that Troye got a bit anxious. They'd finished eating, chatted for a few hours. By then they were laying on their blanket, facing each other and talking softly—with each word Troye could feel Jacob's gentle breath on his face.

"I'd love to take some pictures of you on this beach, Jake, you're beautiful–" Troye was in the middle of talking, but stopped when he noticed a slight smile overtaking Jacob, "what? Have I got something on my face?"

Jacob shook his head, and chuckled a bit, leaning forward until his forehead was almost touching Troye's.

"Can I kiss you?" He asked in a whisper, and Troye just looked at him wide-eyed for a moment.

 _No! No, no, no, Troye. No._ A mix of Rain and Jazz were whispering and screaming at him, but he wanted this.

He nodded, and Jacob smiled.

Jacob's hand came up to rest on the dip in Troye's waist, and Troye flinched slightly in fear. It wasn't really a conscious fear, though. His body just knew these kinds of touches weren't normally good.

Rain kept whispering no right up to the point where Jacob's lips brushed against Troye's, gentle and unsure. And Troye kissed back.

It was so so good, but the instinctual fear he felt in his core unnerved him.

Why was he feeling like this?

\- - - - - - - -

Troye was restless as he sat at the back of his music class. Tyler was beside him, posture relaxed as he listened to Mrs Dolnet ramble on and on about the complexities and importance of chord structures, but he couldn't focus for the life of him.

The familiar pressure of Jazz was firm in the back of his head, and she seemed anxious to take control. She  _loved_ music, but Troye hated the alters taking over during school. They had an agreement.

Only switch at home.

 _Please, Troye._ Jazz whined, and Troye shook his head subtly.

Tyler seemed to notice his fidgeting after a few minutes of him alternating between bouncing his leg and picking at his nails.

"What's up?" He asked quietly, a concerned expression on his face.

Troye shook his head, and ran a hand through his messy curls.

"Jazz wants to front." He confessed, and Tyler's eyes lit up. He hadn't hung out with Jazz for  _ages_.

"Let her at me, then!"

Troye shook his head, frowning.

"If she fronts, I have to go home. You know the agreement–" He started, but all the talking was distracting him from stopping the switch, and just like that, his head was down, and he was out like a light.

Jazz raised her head a few seconds later, and grinned confidently at Tyler, who seemed wary. That was a.. violent switch, from what he'd seen.

"Did you just force Troye in?" Tyler asked gently, and Jazz shook her head with a frown.

"No! He was distant, and so.. here I am. Can we play some keyboard already?" She asked happily, and Tyler shook his head.

"Sorry, girl. Gotta take you to the office and sign you out." He shrugged at the pout he was receiving, and stood up, holding Jazz by the elbow, and simply left the class.

The duo had done it a few times by now, and none of the teachers were permitted to do anything or go near Troye (or whoever was in control) when it happened.

"Tyler." Jazz huffed, but let herself be dragged to the office and signed out as she looked around the place. The school was so god damn lame, with all their 'school spirit' posters. Jazz didn't give a shit, if she were honest.

 _Me neither, Jazzmine._ A voice muttered in her head, and she froze for a second. Was that..?

No, it couldn't be. She locked him out. She and Rain had kept him out.

Her mind went silent, so she continued to walk.

"Okay, thanks, Tyler, bye." She waved at him as she walked toward the front doors of the school.

The only good thing about switching during school was that she was allowed to walk the short distance from the huge building to Jenna's, which took about five minutes all together. She knew Jenna would be receiving a call soon to notify her that Jazz was coming home, and could linger a bit in her stroll. She had a good twenty minutes before Jenna freaked and called her.

 _Alone at last._  That same voice in her head murmured again, and everything in Jazz chilled.

It really was him.

 _Yes it is. You're oh so smart._ Jazz blacked out, and  _he_ took over.

None of the alters were present, so who was present?

A blind anger filled Troye's body, and suddenly he was no longer strolling toward Jenna's, but running, sprinting, towards the forest. It only took him five minutes, the path a familiar one by now, after his frequent visits in the past week.

And once he was there, he stood, listened, and then let out one long, angry scream. He was just so, so... angry. Nothing but that.

He kicked at trees, not caring for the damage he was causing to Troye's body.

He pulled bark off of them, and threw them this way and that.

Anything to get the anger out and be violent, be destructive.

Troye's phone started to ring at one point, but after four attempts of a phone call with his  _annoying ass ringtone_ , the alter threw it at a tree with a shout of rage.

He did that for hours, and hours, and hours. Until it was dark.

At night was when the angry presence felt more calm. More collected.

So he dragged Troye's body home, limping, but not feeling. His hands red and scabbed and bleeding, but a smirk on his face. He was satisfied for now.

He walked slowly up the path to Jenna's house, whistling obnoxiously and swinging Troye's keys around his bruised fingers, but knew he wouldn't have to open the door. Jenna was probably worried out of her mind.

The front door swung open suddenly, Jenna stood there with Hari and Dylan behind her, all three sporting matching tear tracks. The alter just quirked a brow and continued to smirk at the worried trio.

"Oh my god, Troye, or– or Jazz? I don't care. Oh my god, sweetheart I was so worried–" Jenna started, and stepped out to give him a hug.

The alter flinched harshly once her hand touched the small of his back, and suddenly he was shoving her away from himself. Jenna gasped, and ended up stumbling back into the house, eyes wide.

"Don't you dare fucking  _touch me_." He said lowly, eyes suddenly narrowed.

Hari frowned at the boy, Dylan seemed angry, and Jenna just seemed shocked.

"W– What?" She breathed, only to get shoved once more as the alter stalked into the house.

Dylan made the mistake of reaching out to touch the alter's shoulder, confusion clouding his gaze.

"Who– Which alter are you, because you're not–" He started, but the alter simply growled and shoved off his hand.

"I said, don't you  _dare. Fucking. Touch me_." He warned, breathing heavy.

And with that, he went upstairs, slamming Troye's door as he went.

\- - - - - - - -

"I won't lie, I suspected something like this to happen for quite some time." Dr Lopest explained to Troye and Jenna as the duo sat together opposite her.

Jenna had taken Troye out of school the day after the scary switching incident for an emergency therapy session. She hated that she was jumpy and afraid around her  _own child_. Well, she considered Troye to be her own, anyway.

"What.. What do you mean?" Troye asked, hands a bit shaky. He was, quite frankly, afraid of himself at this point.

He'd hit  _Jenna_ , and  _Dylan_. His family.

"Well, you mentioned the strange meditation sessions, and the resurfacing nightmares.. I thought something big was going to happen, but I couldn't be sure, so I didn't say anything. Either way, there was no way of stopping this–" Dr Lopest said, and Troye furrowed his brows.

"So.. I have a new alter?"

"He could be new, but he could have been lingering for a while. It's common for there to be an alter that's purely defence, and anger, and any pent up feelings of the system from the.. from the trauma," Jenna and Troye nodded, "I guess I suspected it was Jazz for a while, but clearly I was wrong after looking at what happened yesterday, and with the nightly escapades."

Troye sighed, and leaned down on his palms. That darkness he always felt in his mind... Was that the new alter? Could he suppress him?

"Troye, do you know if this alter has a name? Has he spoken to you at all?" Dr Lopest asked gently, not really suspecting what was happening next.

Troye's head dropped, for a long ten seconds, and she watched intently as his entire body language changed, and snapped into this complete embodiment of rage. She gestured Jenna to come and sit with her, knowing they were dealing with the aforementioned alter.

"Of course I have a name, fucking idiot." The alter growled.

His grip on his chair had become hard, his knuckles starting to go a bit white, and his face going slightly red from how hard everything in his body seemed to be tensing.

"Then please tell me." Dr Lopest requested calmly, and the alter simply narrowed his eyes and shook his head.

"I'm everything you should fear, Doc. Everything." He promised, Australian accent thick and deeper than Troye's usual voice.

"You are?" Dr Lopest noted the quote down, brows furrowed. She tried not to focus on Jenna's anxious leg bouncing.

"Mm. I dealt with  _everything_. And what did I get?" He paused, and Dr Lopest shrugged. He slammed his fist down on her desk, "I got nothing! I got locked out! I got pushed away! After everything– the little bitch deserved it all. He deserved every fucking bit of it."

Again, Dr Lopest was noting things down, even if the sentences didn't really make that much sense, and seemed jarred and disconnected. The fact that he was letting out these emotive words made sense, though. He held the entire system's anger over the years.

"Please just give me your name, and we'll be done." Dr Lopest requested, though one name in particular had popped into her head. A name that she hoped was not uttered by this alter, because that would make everything more fragile.

"C'mon. You know me, Doc. Troye's certainly learning a lot about me in his dreams at the moment." The alter took a moment to glance at Jenna and smirk, "Ain't that right, Miss Jenna?"

He chuckled when she frowned at him, tearing up a bit at the sight of her boy being so unlike himself in such a negative way.

Dr Lopest was 90% sure she knew this alter's name by then, and took a deep breath, asking for it once more. She hoped that he wasn't called what she thought he was. She really hoped, for no one but Troye's sake.

"I'm Matty. C'mon, Doc. I'm sure you've read  _all_ about me. You too, Miss Jenna."

Jenna's eyes widened, and Dr Lopest sighed semi-anxiously.

Troye's fifth alter was... was an embodiment of his abuser.

This was not good.

Not good at all.

 


	5. Chapter 5

It took Troye two weeks to gain control over Matty.

For those two weeks he'd been too scared to go into school. Too scared of the things Matty could do with and to his own body while he wasn't mentally there.

So he just... didn't go to school.

He fabricated a lie to tell Jacob (he had a bad case of the flu) and spent most of the two weeks in therapy sessions or meditating. Anything to get to grips with this new alter and understand him.

But gaining control over Matty also meant that Matty now knew how to be co-conscious.

And that was worse. Way worse.

Matty had figured out how to taunt Troye from the corners of his mind, never taking control fully, just adding his little, needless comments. Every anxious thought of Troye's would be echoed by words of agreement from Matty. Every fear that trickled through him was amplified by Matty pointing things out and telling him stories as he tried to concentrate or sleep.

And when Matty did take over, Troye was co-conscious. He could do nothing but watch and plead and beg as Matty went on his rampages. He had to simply watch as Matty shoved at Hari, or spat at Dylan. He felt the skin of his knuckles break after Matty punched his wall or scratched violently at his pale arms.

He could just not be co-conscious, but he didn't trust Matty enough to do that.

Matty was not Rain. He wouldn't simply do self-care activities while in control. No. He would go on runs and send malicious texts to people Troye loved or.. Who knew what he would do if confronted by someone Troye disliked.

On top of dealing with Matty as an alter, Troye was also coping with a realisation of his dreams not being dreams after all. They were flashbacks, memories. Of course, he'd suspected it, but Matty being described as an 'embodiment of his abuser' combined with the way Jenna's eyes widened a bit every time Matty was mentioned confirmed it.

If his alter Matty was an embodiment of his abuser, then the Matty he saw in his dreams  _was_ his abuser.

And that was... hard to process. It hadn't really hit him yet. Not properly.

But after two weeks of processing and communicating with Matty, he went back to school.

He couldn't take too long off unless he wanted all of his friends to know about his disorder, and he was mostly ready. Mostly in control.

Or so he thought.

So he went back to school.

\- - - - - - - -

He lasted a few days in school (three to be exact), and he was proud of that.

Matty had backed off, seemingly respecting the system's rules about when to and when not to front. He'd been silent in Troye's mind too, and Troye had been so relieved to have gotten rid of the constant comments in the back of his head that he didn't question it.

A quiet Matty probably wasn't a good thing.

And it only took him those three days to  _stop_ backing off.

Troye was in English class with Jacob. It was one of two classes he had that was just with Jacob.

Tyler wasn't there, and Hari wasn't there, and Dylan wasn't even in his grade.

Connor was there, but.. Connor didn't really count. These days he refused to spare even a glance in Troye's direction.

But Troye knew he'd be okay.

He had been okay the last two English classes, so he'd be okay for this one. 

Everyone was respecting the system rules. Everything would be okay.

That was his mantra. Everything would be okay.

And it was, for a while.

He and Jacob listened and took notes on what Miss Hemsway was saying, and Troye tried his best not to giggle at Jacob's comments.

Sometimes he would mock Miss Hemsway's monotonous voice, and sometimes he would just make some weird funny comment—it was difficult not to double over laughing.

It wasn't even because Jacob was hilarious, Troye just– he just liked Jacob a whole lot.

That thought was scary to Troye now. Liking someone.

He hadn't understood before, but now he did.

The system's instinctual distaste for him having crushes wasn't because they didn't want him to find love or be happy. It was because they were afraid of someone like Matty dating Troye.

Troye didn't want Jacob to turn into Matty.

And that was why his subconscious was so scared to get close to Jacob.

That was why Troye hadn't asked Jacob to be his boyfriend yet.

"You're missing notes, T." Jacob whispered, snapping Troye out of his thoughts. His voice was gentle, an undertone of a chuckle hiding within it.

Troye smiled a bit, and looked down at his notes, and then to Jacob. He'd only missed a few lines of notes, and ones he could easily copy from Jacob.

So he did, neatly writing down notes about The Tempest as Miss Hemsway rattled on and sighed every few sentences.

Until he felt Jacob's fingers begin to tap a gentle, innocent pattern into his jean-covered thigh. That was when he stopped, grip on his pen tightening as his entire body tensed up a bit.

Matty wasn't happy with the touch. His respect for the system's rules dissipated, and he pushed forward in Troye's mind.

 _What the fuck, Troye._ Was all he said at first. Troye couldn't answer him verbally, so he just tried to relax. He was calm. Everything was going to be okay.

But then Jacob sighed and leaned over to rest his head on Troye's shoulder.

"I'm so fucking done with school. Can't wait till we have a break." Jacob commented, shifting his head into a more comfortable position on Troye's shoulder.

A shaky laugh escaped Troye in response, and he felt Matty bristle within him.

 _If he doesn't back the fuck off..._ There was a pause, and Troye dreaded his next words,  _I'm going to flip the fuck out._

Troye didn't doubt Matty's words for even a second, but something in him warmed at the words. Matty's words may have been violent, but they showed care toward Troye. He was trying to protect him, even if it was in a weird, twisted way.

 _No Matty._  

 _You're mine, Troye._ Troye winced at the words, and at the smirk he felt from Matty,  _I'm the only one who gets to fucking touch you like that, remember?_

Troye didn't want to remember, but he did anyway.

A moment flashed by, and he wasn't in class. He was back in that bedroom, and he was nine.

_He couldn't really see much. His eyes were half shut and his vision was blurry from tears, but he knew he wasn't looking at the crack in the wall that he loved to look at so much. Matty was stood in front of him instead, towering over him. His underwear and pants were pooling at his ankles. He was smirking down at the nine year old._

_There was a moment where all Troye could hear was heavy breathing, and he clenched his eyes shut. He felt something press against his lips. Something slick and hard._

He was jolted back into the present by a nudge from Jacob's elbow, gentle and light. Jacob's head wasn't on his shoulder anymore, and after a moment of sitting there he realised he was shaking and his heart was racing.

"You okay, bub?" Jacob asked, and Troye just nodded, even though it was a lie.

His throat was suddenly too dry for words.

Jacob nodded back, and glanced toward the front of the class for a moment. He watched as Miss Hemsway turned to draw something on the huge whiteboard on the wall, and then turned to Troye.

Quickly, a gently kiss was pressed to Troye's cheek. It was probably supposed to calm him down, but all it did was increase his heart rate. Matty was getting closer.

He heard a growl in his mind, and he closed his eyes for a second.

He was greeted with another flash of a memory, but this time it wasn't visual. It was just sound.

He could hear himself screaming and sobbing, accompanied by low grunts. They sounded like they were right in his ear.

It brought tears to his eyes, and the sound wouldn't stop. As if it was on repeat. He could feel his hands shake more as he willed away the tears.

Why was Matty tormenting him like that?

 _To lower your guard._  Matty provided him with an answer, and just like that he took over.

But Troye stayed co-conscious.

Co-conscious and panicking.

His worst nightmare was coming true. Matty wasn't supposed to front without someone there to calm him down and stop him. No one was there to bring Troye back.

Only Jacob was there. Fuck.

No Tyler to escort him out. No Dylan to reassure him. No Hari to distract people.

Just a classroom where no one but unobservant Miss Hemsway would know what was happening.

 _Please don't hurt him._ Troye begged to Matty, crying on the inside. If he was fronting, he'd be shaking, but Matty was the one in control, and he was still. Still and calm.

"You sure you're okay?" Jacob asked again, sounding extremely worried.

It made sense. If Troye saw Jacob's head suddenly drop violently for five seconds, he'd be worried too.

Matty nodded stiffly and then smirked down at his hands, which were already clenched into tight fists on the table.

"Better than okay."

Jacob frowned at Troye's accent suddenly becoming a million times thicker, and the deeper tone to his voice.

Troye was cursing from the inside.

"Uhh, okay." Jacob mumbled, and seemed to want to say something, but decided against it. He went back to taking notes.

Matty chuckled at Jacob's confusion, and stared at his clenched fists on the table top with an unwavering smirk.

Ah, to be in control.

He was in the middle of debating whether or not to do something, messy with people, ruin Troye's reputation or something fun like that when Miss Hemsway spoke up.

"Mr Mellet, are you going to take notes or are would you rather come back after school to do it?" She asked in a bored tone.

Matty looked up slowly, one eyebrow raised.

"The fuck are you suggesting?" He asked, voice eerily calm.

Gasps sounded all around the classroom, but the only one Troye could focus on was Jacob's.

He was in Matty's peripheral vision, and he looked upset. Jacob hated rude people. Jacob probably hated him.

"Excuse me, young man?" Miss Hemsway asked angrily, for once carrying something other than boredom in her tone.

"I said," Matty paused for dramatic effect, narrowing his eyes and clenching his jaw, "the  _fuck_ are you  _suggesting_." He repeated.

Miss Hemsway studied him for a moment, her gaze inquisitive, before her eyes widened a fraction. Troye mentally thanked every god he knew the name of, because it was clear she just caught on to what had happened.

"Troye, do I need to call for one of your siblings?–" She tried, but Matty literally growled at the words.

"No!" He shouted in fury, slamming a fist down onto the table, "I don't fucking need Hari or that Dylan fucker! I don't need  _anyone_! And I'm. Not. Troye."

He was breathing heavily by the end of his short outburst, stood up with his fists clenched at his sides.

Jacob's eyes were blown wide, staring up at Matty in slight fear and confusion and disappointment. It was the last one that hurt Troye the most. He didn't want Jacob to hate him.

Connor looked shocked too. Troye scoffed to himself, because Connor had probably just figured out that Troye hadn't been lying about his disorder. Even Connor wasn't stupid enough to think Troye would go this far for a lie or practical joke.

Matty took a few more deep breaths, the whole room scared into silence, before he stormed out of the room and down the hall. He was heading for the woods.

Miss Hemsway's eyes widened as he left, slamming the door shut behind him, because he had no one with him. She wasn't allowed to let Troye leave like this without a friend with him, and she couldn't leave her class unattended.

She scanned the classroom briefly, before nodding her head at Jacob, not noticing his obvious confusion and how shaken up he seemed.

"Mr Bixenman, please go and check on Troye." She simply said, gesturing to the door.

Jacob was confused, and frowned to himself for a moment. Why had Troye not been told off or sent to the principal's office?

He kept frowning, but did as he was told. He was just so fucking confused.

Leaving the classroom, he looked both ways down the hallway just in time to see Matty slam the door to the stairwell. His eyes widened at the loud sound, as it echoed all the way down the hall, and started to run after him.

He didn't know what was going on, but he knew something wasn't right.

It took him a bit, but he managed to catch up with Matty as he was sprinting across the football field.

Matty gave up as he reached the bleachers, and sat down on the lower level. He was so out of energy, chest heaving to try and keep up with his hard breathing. Fuck Troye and his lack of fitness.

Matty dropped his head into his hands and blocked out Troye's panicked words he was shouting at him.

 _What the fuck, Matty! Why did you do that? Why? What the fuck!_ Troye didn't even have it in him to be afraid of Matty anymore. Matty didn't even understand what he'd just done.

"Shut the  _fuck up_ ,Troye. Before I fucking beat your ass." Matty snapped.

Little did he know, Jacob was approaching as he shouted at himself.

"Uh, Troye?" Jacob asked, and Matty's head snapped up.

"Stop fucking calling me that." Matty deadpanned, narrowing his eyes at Jacob and clenching his jaw.

Jacob just frowned at the boy, beyond confused, but Matty rolled his eyes at the look.

"Are you fucking stupid?" Matty scoffed, "What's your name again? Jacob, right?"

Jacob just blinked in confusion.

 _Matty, stop._ Troye begged.

"I'm  _not_ Troye. I'm Matty. So," Matty waved a hand in the air, "So shut the fuck up and stop talking about that– that cunt!"

Jacob's lips parted in shock for a moment, and he opened his mouth a few times in an attempt to speak, but didn't really know what to say.

Troye was holding his breath in fear.

"What?" Jacob finally managed to whisper.

Matty tried to stand up and finally give Jacob a piece of his mind, but Troye managed to take control back. It was violent, but he forced the switch. No way was he going to let Matty hurt Jacob.

But Jacob flinched at the way Troye's head dropped, and he stayed stood where he was in fear.

As soon as Troye managed to lift his head, knowing he was in control, he looked at Jacob for a second, eyes welling up. And then he was sobbing.

He pulled his knees up to bury his face into them, appalled at what had just happened. How had he let that happen?

"I'm so," He sobbed, "I'm so fucking– so sorry, J– Jakey!" He managed.

Jacob still seemed unsure and cautious.

"What the fuck was– What's happening, Troye?" He blinked for a moment, and then corrected himself, "Or.. Matty?"

Troye sobbed harder when Jacob added on the last word, and shook his head desperately.

"Not Matty, not Matty, not Matty." He whimpered.

He scrunched his eyes shut as he said it, trying not to think about all the Matty flashbacks he'd had. He couldn't handle them right now.

If his eyes were open, he would have seen Jacob's entire face soften at the broken tone of Troye's voice. He edged closer, and after a few moments was sat next to the sobbing boy.

He still didn't dare to lay a hand on his shoulder.

"Troye, please just– please tell me what's going on." Jacob said softly, and Troye took a few moments to try and compose himself.

It didn't really work, but he managed to struggle through a brief explanation of his disorder. He didn't have the emotional energy to explain it coherently, so he just described it to Jacob as 'real life multiple personality disorder'.

Quickly afterward he hurried to add, "Please don't think I'm lying like– like Connor did."

Jacob shook his head at the word, and finally lifted a hand to comfort his best friend, but hesitated. He ended up placing the hand on Troye's shoulder gently, smiling sympathetically at the flinch he received in response.

"I w– went through some stuff as a– as a kid, and this is– I coped by d– dissociating, and– other people t– took over while I was in my h– head, and those people are still– they're still in my head! And they– they come out sometimes and– and I love most of them because– because they're great a– a– and you think I'm fucking crazy, but I'm– I'm not, Jakey. I'm not!"

He was sobbing harder than before by the end of it, exhausted in every sense of the word, and Jacob was silent. Silent couldn't mean anything good.

Or, he thought so until Jacob slid his hand that rested on his shoulder over so he could put his whole arm around Troye.

"I don't really understand," Jacob started, "but I believe you, Tro. I know that wasn't you in class, and I trust you." He promised.

His voice was soft and comforting, but Troye was just too tired to properly process anything.

Subconsciously he'd started pushing away from the situation. He was trying to go inside, to leave, but no one was there to take over.

No one was for a few seconds anyway, until Kody's gentle voice whispered to him that it was okay, he could go inside.

Troye let his head drop, and let Kody front as he completely blacked out. He needed to get away for a bit. 

Jacob flinched at the way his head dropped again, immediately removing his arm from around Troye. He thought Matty was back, and was prepared to be shouted at, but instead someone calm blinked at him.

"Hi, I'm Kody." An American accent greeted him along with a warm smile, and Jacob just blinked.

Kody ignored the frown on Jacob's face and explained everything. It took him about ten minutes, but he went in detail. He knew Jacob was important to Troye, and he knew Troye wanted Jacob to understand. He even touched on why Troye was the way he was. It was simply a brief mention of abuse (he didn't dare tell him it was sexual, that was Troye's place), and when he was done Jacob seemed a lot more calm and a lot less confused.

"I really care about Troye." Jacob told Kody softly after the explanation, and Kody smiled.

He lifted a hand to pat Jacob on the shoulder, and nodded.

"I can tell."

Jacob smiled at the words, seeming happy, and then asked if Troye could come back.

Kody shook his head sadly in response.

"I don't think he will for a few days."

 


	6. Chapter 6

Kody was right when he told Jacob he didn't think Troye would come back for a few days. Except, it was more than a few days. And it was worrying.

Not only to Jacob, who knew the least about Troye and how his system worked, but to his whole family, and even to his alters. Kody had taken primary control as one of the protector alters and the most rational of them all, and even he had no idea where Troye was.

Troye wasn't in the inner world, collecting himself, he was somewhere else. Truly dissociated.

But Kody didn't let himself dwell on any of that (even though most would) because he knew it was his job to hold the system together and keep them going when things got tough.

One (slightly) positive thing to be drawn from Troye's absence was Jacob getting the chance to meet all of the alters—apart from Rain—while he was gone.

The first he met was Ethan.

Jacob had worriedly come to Troye's after he was absent from school the next day. He knew Troye wouldn't be back right away, but he expected him—or.. whoever was in control—to come to school still.

And when he arrived, it was to Jenna smiling warily at him and letting him in. She knew he knew about Troye's disorder, but  _didn't_ know how accepting he was about it. Kody came downstairs soon after, posture upright and perfect.

"Hi, Jacob." Kody said simply, his Californian accent strong. He gestured to the living room, and sat on the couch with the teenager.

"I want to make it clear to you that Matty's the only bad guy in our system. The others are sweethearts and are to be treated as such. They've been through things, Jacob." Kody stated right away, and Jacob just blinked at him for a moment, taking it in.

"Okay." He nodded hesitantly, and Kody's lips quirked up slightly.

"I'm telling you that because someone is very eager to meet you.." Kody started, but trailed off as his eyes fluttered a bit. Jacob furrowed his brows in confusion. Kody seemed kind of absent. "I apologise.. Ethan's very persistent... I'm dissociating a bit."

Jacob nodded slowly, resisting the urge to ask who Ethan was, and gave Kody a moment to collect himself. He blinked a few times, eyes downcast, and looked a bit more there when he looked up at Jacob again.

"Ethan is our youngest alter– referred to as a little. He's five years old. He wants to meet you.. because he knows how much Troye likes you." Kody paused for a moment, his smile widening when a light pink dusted Jacob's cheeks at his words, "Would you like to.. meet him..?"

"I treat him like a five year old, right? It's just so strange because I know Troye and it's his body even though it's not him, but I don't... I don't want to hurt, um, hurt Ethan."

"Yes. Treat him as you'd treat a five year old. He likes colouring and dinosaurs. That should be enough to become his best friend." A rare, fond smile came to Kody's face, before his eyes started to flutter again.

He seemed to get less and less present, until his head dropped a tiny bit, and his eyes closed for a few seconds. It was a much more gentle switch compared to the ones Jacob had seen so far.

But Jacob was a bit worried by how long it took, as he'd only seen the violent, forced switches between Troye and Matty and Kody, but then the boy in front of him lifted his head slowly, hesitant.

His eyes were wide and innocent, but this person didn't seem as excited to meet him as Kody made him out to be.

"Hi there." Jacob said gently, feeling the need to be soft and careful with this one.

Blue eyes snapped up to his, and Ethan's eyebrows drew in in fear. He looked away after a half-second, and drew his knees up to his chest timidly. It was almost like he was trying to be as small as he could be.

Ethan felt bad when he saw Jacob look so dejected by his reaction to him, it was just... He  _was_ excited to meet Jacob, but he was also incredibly scared of strangers. Matty was a stranger, and Matty turned out to be.. to be a bad, scary man. Bad, bad, bad...

Subconsciously, the boy stuck his thumb in his mouth, staring at the couch he sat on as he tried not to think about the bad man.

"Hey, there's no need to be scared, I promise." Jacob's soft voice brought him away from his thoughts, and his eyes snapped up at his words.

"P– Pinky promise?" He questioned, not noticing the way Jacob faltered slightly at his voice. It was higher pitched than Troye's, the Aussie accent more obvious and thick.

"Yeah. Pinky promise." Jacob confirmed, and even held out his pinky to the frightened little boy.

Slowly, Ethan reached out, and linked pinkies with him. Jacob made sure to keep a serious expression as he shook Ethan's pinky securely. It drew a tiny giggle out of the boy, making Jacob smile.

"What do you say we watch a movie?" Jacob asked, and Ethan gasped happily. He withdrew his thumb from his mouth and looked at him with wide eyes.

"Land B– Before Time?"

"If that's what you want to watch, then watch it we shall!" Jacob enthused, making Ethan smile again. The DVD wasn't hard to find (it was still in the DVD player, as it was Ethan's favourite film), and once it was started, Jacob and Ethan sat beside each other on the couch.

Jacob decided to let Ethan call all the shots, hoping it would make him feel more comfortable. And he was right to do so, as Ethan found himself liking Jacob a lot.

He even found the courage to shuffle over and cuddle into Jacob's side as he got sleepy.

To Jacob, it was adorable (once he got past the strangeness of Troye's body acting so young, anyway).

\- - - - - - - -

The next day Jacob came back again, a naïve hope of seeing Troye filling him. Tyler joined him, also worried about his friend.

However it was once again Kody that greeted them at the door. He looked tired, his eyes a little dull and his shoulders pulled in.

"Hi Jacob," Kody paused, and glanced to Tyler with slightly lazy eyes, "Tyler."

He nodded at Tyler, and then sighed. Roughly, his hand came up to rub at his face.

"Come in."

Troye's two best friends shared a look as Kody walked away, both equally worried, and then followed him into the lounge. When they got there, Kody was already sat on the couch, leaning back into the cushions heavily and looking like he needed to be anywhere but fronting at that moment.

"You okay, Kodes?" Tyler asked, much more concerned than Jacob. It was just... he knew Kody, and he knew he  _didn't_ get tired, he didn't get stressed—not outwardly anyway. Kody must've been seriously struggling to be so open about his feelings.

"Mm." Kody mumbled, before sighing again. He seemed distant, like he was the day before, "I don't know exactly where Troye is... It's worrying me is.. is all... Sorry, uh, Ethan is.. he wants to see Ty."

Tyler was about to tell Kody that was fine, and that they'd look after Ethan, when Kody's head dropped suddenly.

The switch taking place looked.. not violent, but sudden. It was enough to make Jacob jump, reminded of the way Troye and Matty had switched between each other so fast and violent and desperately.

But Matty's eyes weren't the ones that greeted them when the boy in front of them looked up, they were clearly Ethan's. His wide, innocent eyes seemed less timid and fearful than the day before, as he excitedly looked to Tyler.

"Tilly!" He exclaimed, jumping up from the couch with energy only a five year old could possess.

"Hey, monster." Tyler greeted fondly, even reaching out to ruffle Ethan's hair gently.

Jacob watched the exchange with a curious smile. It was still a little strange to him, to see Troye's body acting so young, but it was even stranger to see Tyler actually treating him like a five year old.

"I– I maded you a drawing." Ethan said to Tyler, and then seemed to properly notice Jacob for the first time, "Hiya, Jakey."

"Hi, little man." Jacob smiled gently, and Ethan grinned widely. His tiny bout of nerves in his presence seemed to be gone.

"Show me the drawing then." Tyler demanded playfully, and Ethan gasped. Immediately, he grabbed Tyler's hand and Jacob's hand and started pulling them toward the stairs. He dragged them all the way to Troye's room, let go, and then darted to the shelves on the wall.

Jacob couldn't help but look around Troye's room, as it was his first time being allowed in there. It made sense to him now, with the cluttered items of five (technically six) people all in the one room. But it was the five shelves on the wall that made his gaze turn inquisitive. Each one was distinctly different.

"There's one for each alter." Tyler supplied helpfully, as he seemed to have noticed the looks.

Jacob could only nod, a strange sort of fascinated as Ethan picked up a piece of paper from the bottom shelf.

Tyler settled, perched on the edge of Troye's bed, and patted his thighs a few times in gesture for Ethan to come sit with him. Ethan giggled, and ran right over to sit on Tyler's lap. Tyler seemed used to the slight oddness of Ethan's body not suiting him by then, and simply gasped along at Ethan's animated story about his picture.

It was less of a picture and more of a scribble, though. A few green blobs that looked vaguely dinosaur shaped were ducking their heads into a blob of blue. It was apparently a lake, and the two dinosaurs were t-rex's on a date. Obviously.

Ethan looked up after he told Tyler all of this, squinting his eyes at Jacob thoughtfully.

"I'll make one for Jakey later!" He promised.

\- - - - - - - -

Jacob coming over after school seemed to become a routine after that. He was worried about his best friend.

Two days after Tyler was over, Kody was still there. Jacob had knocked hopefully at the door, only to be greeted by the serious, calculating eyes of Kody.

He couldn't help but deflate at the sight, and Kody smiled sympathetically. He seemed to get more and more emotionally tired each day.

"Not happy to see me?" Kody joked, though his smile was obviously strained.

"No, no. Just... I'm just worried." Jacob was quick to explain, and Kody simply nodded.

"I get it. We all are."

There was a pause for a moment, and Kody gestured Jacob in. Both of them ignored the ruckus of Hari and Dylan listening to music upstairs, and walked straight into Troye's room.

"Jazz want's to meet you." Kody deadpanned once the two of them were sat on Troye's bed. Jacob just blinked.

"Who..?"

"She's the alter closest to Troye. Quite defensive, but—hey, no, you know you're defensive– you're being defensive now!—but we love her anyway." Kody spoke mostly to Jacob, but clearly started to talk to someone on the inside halfway through.

Jacob was suddenly nervous. Was he about to get interrogated by one of Troye's alters?

"Uh, okay." Jacob mumbled, not bothering with a sentence too articulate because he could see Kody's eyes fluttering already.

It was odd, really. Kody had been in control for most of the time since Troye dissociated, yet Jacob wasn't really seeing much of Kody.

His head dropped briefly, and when it rose again, Jacob saw something in their eyes he hadn't seen before. They seemed.. guarded, with the firm furrow of the brows above them and the straight line of their lips.

"Hi. Jacob, is it?" Jazz said, her voice holding some sarcasm in it. Jacob just nodded warily.

"Jazz..?" He checked.

"Yup. So, I don't like that you're.. getting close to Troye." She deadpanned. It seemed like she was getting right to it, then.

"Um, okay... What about you, though? I know Troye, but I don't know you yet." Jacob said, trying to steer the conversation away from whatever Jazz was trying to get it to. She looked angry, sparks flying in her eyes, and Jacob didn't want to provoke her at all. The safest bet was avoiding the topic of Troye all together.

"Don't try and change the subject! I don't trust you." Jazz said firmly, an underlying growl to her voice.

Jacob suddenly understood what Kody meant about her being defensive. She was stubborn too, though.

"Are you listening? I don't trust you." Jazz repeated, frustrated when Jacob didn't give her a reaction.

In response Jacob smiled sadly. Every new alter he met, distant or defensive in their own way, was a reminder that Troye had been through something.  _His_ Troye, that didn't deserve to be hurting at all, had been hurt so badly that his own mind had split into five– no, six.

"Why not?" He asked eventually, keeping his voice soft. He didn't want Jazz to find anything in his words or tone to get mad at. There was no point.

"I don't want you to hurt Troye." Jazz replied, as if it were an obvious answer. Now  _that_ offended Jacob a bit. Why would Jazz just assume that about him?

"Why would I–"

"You could be another Matty for all I know!" Jazz cut him off, her voice slightly raised, and Jacob frowned. Looking at her face as she said it, it didn't look like she even believed her words, but Jacob was confused.

"Matty, like, the alter?"

"No! Matty as in the– the, um.. never mind."

Jazz sighed and looked away from Jacob for a moment. She knew she was being harsh, but she just found it difficult to trust people. She'd warmed up to Tyler fast, but that was because Tyler had been a part of Troye's life for years, and even if she hadn't directly met him, she trusted him from what she watched through Troye.

It was similar with Jacob, she knew how loved up Troye was, but she just... she wanted to keep him safe.

Jacob frowned when she didn't give any explanation to which Matty she meant. But he wouldn't probe. He wasn't there to dig up Troye's past without his permission. He was there to be there for Troye and his alters, and hope for Troye to come back.

And it was that night that Troye did come back.

Jacob had managed, after two hours and a shared pizza, to get Jazz to warm up to him. It seemed that no one could resist the charm of a Jacob Bixenman grin and a hug.

They'd actually been in the middle of watching one of the Kingsman movies when it happened. Jazz's head was resting gently on Jacob's shoulder as they watched it, but suddenly her weight rested more heavily on him, and her head shifted more into his neck.

He thought she'd just fallen asleep for a moment, but then he heard quiet sniffles as Troye's body tensed up.

First he thought it was Ethan leaning on him, the sniffles sounding young and afraid, and he was ready to jump in and comfort the little when the sniffles warped into sobs.

Whoever was present curled up and away from Jacob, burying their face into their knees as the sobs became more violent. Their hands shook violently as they dug their nails into their legs, and Jacob frowned. That wasn't Ethan.

He didn't want to assume it was Troye only to get crushed and worried again if it wasn't, but he really didn't know who else it could be.

"Tro..?" He asked gently, and the boy in question's head snapped up to meet Jacob's eyes.

He seemed jolted, as if he hadn't noticed Jacob's presence even though he was the one leaning on him for a good hour at that point. After a moment of getting over his shock, Troye nodded slightly, and let his face scrunch up as a sob escaped him again.

That was all Jacob needed to shuffle over and pull Troye into a cuddle once more.

"Shh, it's okay. You're okay." He murmured to him, rubbing up and down Troye's arm.

Troye just shook his head, more tears and cries escaping him.

"N– No. You don't–" He took a deep, shuddering breath, "You don't understand, J– Jakey."

Jacob frowned, pressed a kiss to Troye's head, and nodded.

"I know, but I do understand how strong you are, and that I know you're gonna be okay soon because you're strong," Jacob paused, waiting for Troye to look at him, even if his eyes were filled with tears, "you're strong, Tro. It'll be okay"

Troye didn't really believe him, but seeing how firm and sincere Jacob's pretty hazel eyes were, he wanted to.

He really wanted to.

 

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm super excited for this ficccc
> 
> i'm posting it on wattpad as well as here but why not post both places right?
> 
> anyway i hope most things i've written are accurate, i did a LOT of research on DID before i started writing any of this
> 
> i'm trying my best and i apologise for any mistakes i've made :)


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